I wasn’t always curvy, I’ve been slim too in fact I was slim for the first 23 years of my life so I know exactly how it feels to be both. I know how it feels to be obese too, yeah a total fatty. At my heaviest I was 136 kilograms, I know right I can’t believe it either.
How did I allow myself to get outa control?
Why couldn’t I stop shovelling crap into my mouth?
Where had my motivation gone?
When did I lose my identity?
There’s many reasons why I put on weight and not all of them had anything to do with food.
I had two babies, I was sad, I had depression… sexual abuse as a child haunted me.
There were times that I celebrated with food (obviously lots of times), comforted myself with food and even saw a full pantry and fancy schmancy party spreads as a status symbol.
Then there was the merry go round of fad diets and health kicks, a constant over the last twenty years. When I put on weight it was because some part of my life wasn’t centred, my feelings were swaying in the breeze and I had ‘lost control’.
Sometimes it was small things like a tiff with a co worker, or feeling judged by a family member, money stresses or a bad day with the kids.
Sometimes it was big things like feeling worthless, hating my looks and body, insecurities, depression…dark thoughts and bad memories.
For twenty years I fell victim to myself and allowed myself to be sucked into the hype, most people will tell you I have always been confident but deep down I struggled.
At times I wanted to fit into the cool gang…at school and then with the mums at my kid’s school. I know, so sad!
I took judgement personally and let extended family have far too much say on my life. I had a need to please and it invaded all areas of my life including work which just meant I worked my arse off and ended up frazzled.
Then at 41 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and everything changed… for the better.
Cancer and all that it brought changed me in lots of ways but one of the biggest ways was it made me look at my body in a completely different way.
I could have hated my body for allowing cancer to invade it but I didn’t, instead I started listening to my body and loving the shit out of it. I stopped being at war with my own body.
There were many surgeries (9) and recoveries, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and so much more, throughout all of this I had to learn to tune into my body. I had to treat it better and start honouring it.
Treatment made me fat as a tick adding 30+ kilograms to my body and stripping me of my breasts, body hair and the ability to function, wiping my own arse was impossible some days.
Cancer stripped me bare, tore me down but it certainly didn’t defeat me, instead it gave me the opportunity to start again.
I looked at my body and my life very differently, I started to bloody love myself and let go of feelings of failure and judgement. It didn’t happen overnight, it’s a work in progress and every day I’m learning new ways to improve myself…the reward is for the first time in my life I understand my body and the effect my attitude to life has on it.
Throughout chemo I learned to speak to my body in a more nurturing way. Instead of hating my bald head I learned to thank it for holding my picture book of memories.
Instead of hating my washed out eyes that had zero eyelashes I learned to thank them for allowing me to see my children and the ocean and for opening every morning.
Instead of hating my barren and scarred chest I learned to thank it for holding my heart that was still beating, a heart that was filled with love.
Instead of hating my ulcerated mouth I learned to thank it for allowing me to speak words of love and gratitude.
Instead of hating on my weak and swollen legs I learned to thank them for getting me to the supermarket, allowing me to push a trolley full of food to feed my family. Some days it was a ‘shuffle’ and I had to pause often but my legs got me there.
Instead of cursing my numb arm that’s filled with raging nerve pain I learned to thank it for allowing me to wrap my arms around loved ones.
I thanked my body even when needles were puncturing it, scalpels were slicing it and drugs being pumped into it.
At night I would lay in bed and inch by inch thank my body and in the morning when my eyes opened I had nothing but gratitude.
This body of mine responded well to gratitude and thanks, it heard it…felt it.
Yeah that’s right, gaining weight isn’t all about kilojoules in and exercise, situps and squats don’t wash away years of pain.
We don’t all need to have endured ugly horrible things in our life for it to affect our weight, sometimes it’s a bad relationship, harsh words spoken, being judged or bullied, the loss of a loved one.
The thing is to work through our feelings, really work through them and then move on…as Taylor Swift says-“shake it off“.
So I know how it feels to be slim, curvy, tubby and a fatty, and I also know what it means to be stripped bare emotionally and facing my mortality.
These days I try to honour my body and listen to it. Together my body and I are working on being the best version of me…finding my identity again.
Don’t give up, don’t lose hope because we are all worth it, we are all learning. It just takes a little bit of work, gratitude and thanks.
Til next time
Jen x
Your amazing…. Your courage….. Your an inspiration
Thankyou Sharyn, if my sharing inspires you and others then I’ve achieved something 🙂
Thank you!
You’re welcome Amy, thanks for taking the time to read. Light n love x
Hi Jen, and fellow Dru yogi 🙂 I’ve really enjoyed your blog, you have an easy, stimulating style of writing and it’s fun and liberating to read, keep up the good work 🙂
I studied Dru yoga with Dani and she is a wonderful teacher 🙂
I’m glad you found yoga and can reap the benefits for your soul, mind and body and practicing yoga just gives you more tools to manage your wonderful life 🙂
I admire your strong spirit dealing with your cancer and it seems you have taken the positive out of the experience and enhanced your life, that is truly inspiring well done!!!
Thanks so much for taking the time to say hello 🙂 I just love Danis classes (headed to one tonight) and all that yoga brings to my life.
I’ve just taken a moment to read your blog. I’m teary now! But good tears! !! For some reason weight is on my mind constantly at the moment. At 43 I should know better but I’m fad dieting, comfort eating etc etc so a lit resonated with me . …thank you for empowering others with your words. Beautiful post keep them coming Xx
Hi Lisa, thanks so much for the message 🙂 acknowledging why we follow the same patterns is half the battle. Just start with baby steps doing one nice thing each day for yourself…because you are worth it x
You write with such honesty Jen, it’s impossible to not be drawn in. I love your writing, the way you draw a picture, and share all of yourself so as to inspire others. I am honoured to be in your circle of friendship x
What a wonderful compliment Kirrily, I’m blessed to have you as a friend xx
Thank you Jenni that is so me in a lot of that passage !! At the moment I am at the cross roads of feeling useless and not wanted not sure why still working through it but your words make so much sense to me thank you xx
Rhonda we are all a work in progress. Ask your body what it needs, you will know what to do X
You relate to so many women in all different ways Jen and I think it’s because you are a no hold barred writer , and many of us can relate to you in some way what you have endured . I love your half glass full mantra and not always do i follow this mantra…….it’s a work in progress ?
I’m still a work in progress too Veronica, sometimes I lose sight of where I’m headed but what counts is I get back on track x
thank you for your honesty and your encouragement. I have battled weight my whole life but living with chronic health conditions am trying all the time to appreciate this body no matter what bits go wrong or how much meat is on my bones. Beautiful post x
Helen sometimes our bodies really test us, we need to love them through it all X
What a great post! What a great approach and attitude towards your body!
Thanks Ingrid it’s the only body I have, when it’s gone I’m gone…and it will be too late. I’m gonna love it while I can❤️
Always inspiring and always so,real. Thank you again for sharing. I too am trying to find myself again, with empty nest that smacked me for 6 sideways !! And the good ole black dog with me. Life is a challenge for us all in so many ways xo
Oh Trish, my boys just turned 18 and 21, the empty nest is close and it has my heart hurting already. I hope you are looking after yourself and taking it easy. xx
Thanks for your post Jenni. I’ve been feeling like shit for a while now due to some chronic bloating because of a metabolic disorder and also ongoing nerve pain from an old injury that has hindered my ability to exercise. The hysterectomy last year was supposed to be the wonder cue for so much but sadly it has not worked out this way. Reading your post today has really struck a cord with me and is something that I needed right now. Your words of wisdom have made me see that it’s not just the weight that is the problem, it is a mind set that has grown over time often fed by others in my world. It’s going to take lots of baby steps to get back my self confidence, but at least now I’m on the way.
I’m so pleased you read this post Jenny, I love it when a post resonates. You’ve got this xx
Thank you Jen for writing this ,why as women do we judge ourselves? I wasn’t comfortable
in my own skin until my mid 30s, as a young girl I’d exercise and restrict food because I thought I wasn’t thin enough but it took years of operations and chronic illness to be thankful if what my body could do not should do.
You are a beautiful person inside and out and I’m glad you now love your body I wish young girls could learn this at school somehow and be grateful for their bodies strength and beauty!
It’s not until our health and wellness is threatened that we really discover what’s important hey Lisa xx
You’re just gorgeous…..younger, older. inside, out!!
So lovely, thanks Kylie x
Yes Jenni you are amazing I admire you so much I’m old eneogh to be your mum I have a 2daughter 45 and 48 and I was sexually abused for years asa child it is a very hard road ,but I have not endured all what you have been through ,totally admire you in every way .Love Marion ❌❌??
By the way Love the new clothing range today ❌
Thanks Marion 🙂 and yes the ADRIFT range is awesome and I’m so pleased to be collaborating with them.
Wow. I was scanning your posts as we are in Adelaide and I knew that you had some great tips. Stopped to read this one and very grateful I did. What a blessing you are Jen. I am super curvy and not due to abuse or a tough life as such, just choices. Possibly unexpressed emotions too. Anyway, I love your perspective on this. Thank you xx