A lot can happen in three years. Your life can be in the balance, perspective can change. Friends lost and new ones gained. Three years…it’s my ‘new lifetime’, today marks three years since the mammogram that changed my life and the life of my family, forever. The 20th of September is the day I knew I had cancer inside me. The day I discovered my bloody boobs were trying to kill me!
Time is a funny thing, it’s not until there’s a possibility of it being snatched away that we truly value it.
I sat before my specialist as he delivered the news to my husband and I that my magic survival number was ‘36%’… Fuck off! All I could think was ‘not even 50/50?
Fuck, I’m screwed!’ It was like someone had plunged their fist inside my chest and snatched half of my rapidly beating heart and in that moment I was desperate.
Desperately trying to catch my breath, desperately sad for my husband and boys, desperately trying to slow down the racing footage in my mind…and desperate for more time.
I did what I had to, I allowed doctors to carve parts from my body, Infuse bloody awful drugs into my body and sear my skin until it was raw. I freakin did ALL that!
I bargained with the universe, cried silent tears, felt disappointment and aching sadness. Cancer brought me to my knees.
I don’t think I could ever explain fully the ugliness of cancer, of receiving a diagnosis at 41 and planning a funeral in your mind on a weekly basis. For the record, it’s cremation, scattered into my beloved ocean, loads of beautiful flowers and some funky tunes as you guys get to sit through every freakin selfie I ever took!
Guess what? Three years and I’m still here. I’ve watched plenty of people die in that three years, I’ve received hundreds of emails from people who newly diagnosed or terminal, families informing me of the deaths of their loved ones….and I’m. Still. Here!
That racing heart that felt like it was having the life squeezed out of it three years ago is now bursting with gratitude and love.
I don’t know why ‘three’ years has resonated so much with me. Maybe it’s because a surgeon said to me (after he took my breast) that my highest danger period was in the first two years, I feel like I gave that the stiff middle finger salute.
This ‘cancerversary’ has shaken me a little, like actually rattled me. I don’t know for sure how many years I have, wether cancer will raise its ugly head again. Cancer was in my nodes, I’m not gonna lie, that shit bothers me but it can’t rule me. At times I feel like I’m living on borrowed time and then I remember that nothing in this life is certain, nothing is guaranteed…especially life.
I’ve felt ALL the feelings throughout this cancer jig, I’ve written about them too LOL. So what have I learnt from having cancer? Man, what haven’t I learnt?
I’ve learnt that life really is all the cliches you’ve ever heard, I don’t sweat the small stuff, I’ve stopped being a people pleaser and now please myself more (mind outa the gutter). When I’m happy then everyone around me is happier, so I look after myself more.
I’m more conscious of every little thought my body hears, every little move my body makes…I’m in sync with my body. I feel and show gratitude and that is THE BEST FEELING EVER and the greatest healer…try it!
I truly understand that days are numbered…for all of us, so make each day count. It doesn’t need to be profound but each day needs to have joy, love, empathy, compassion and fun embedded into it.
I’ve cut people loose who can’t feel my joy and show me unconditional love…cut that weight loose! I’ve welcomed people into my life, people who once may have intimidated me, people who have less than or more than me. People who are good hearted and fun and wise and just bloody make me feel good.
I’ve stopped doing what’s ‘seen’ to be right, what I think I ‘should’ be doing and started doing whatever the hell I like. I don’t give a fuck what others think of me. Well that’s not true, I don’t care about the negative stuff. Say or think nasty poisonous thoughts, I’m like Teflon. I do care about the lovely sunshine and lollipop thoughts and words though, because that good stuff feeds my grateful heart every day.
I’m busier than I’ve ever been but happier too. I answer to no one. I’m accountable just to me, and I bloody like that! I love harder, feel deeper and laugh more. I smile more, do more and am more.
Cancer took from me, sure that’s true, but cancer was a gift. It was the gift that opened my eyes and my heart to what is truly important.
It’s taught my children lessons too, I wish they hadn’t seen some of the ugly shit they did but then these two sons of mine wouldn’t be the beautiful young men they are today. They now live life differently, they don’t sweat the small stuff and that’s a freakin gift don’t you think? Sure master seventeen needs to do more homework and not be so chillaxed in that department but he’s living his life these days with more ‘feeling’ and that’s far more important to me than a high school grading.
Cancer can tear marriages apart, statistically the odds aren’t great but my mister and I still share the same bed and his heart beats in mine. We had a strong marriage before but now…well we’re fuckin unbreakable. Any man who can do what he does, see what he saw and love a woman right through that…well, he deserves all the good that life has to offer and more!
You know he came to every single medical appointment, right? Well the first two hundred. He’s skipped a few lately (because I can totes do them on my own) and we’re now well over 300 appointments! He’s also sat through eight surgeries, one epic surgery lasted 12 freakin hours! The man is a saint!
When I was diagnosed I said to my husband “I don’t want to be bitter and twisted, and I don’t want to be dead”. Three years on and I’m neither. Life is good!
Til next time,
Jen x
Beautiful post Jen. Grateful that you made it Jen, grateful our paths crossed, grateful to call you a friend, gratefull for all you give selflessly of yourself. Knowing you has helped me cope though friends diagnosis , and has helped me grow.
K
xXx
That makes my heart smile Kerry. Being grateful is the best thing ever…I’m grateful to call you my friend x
Love everything about this Jen! 3 years is such a wonderful milestone to smash x
Thankyou Kirsten…now for the next 3 🙂
Huzzah!!!!!
Beautiful babe xxx
I know when you laugh so hard you snort you don’t give a flying f!@#$ what people think cos u know what’s important in life.
Please stick around so we can snort together xxx
I love my life, snort laugh and all xx
Yay! You tell it like it is withOut the flowery language…I freakin love it. When I knew the double M was going to happen I went online looking for words of wisdom and tips for what to expect….and found nothing really except some fairly negative thoughts…even the Aust breast cancersite didn’t have what I was looking for. Thank the stars for you Jenni.It’s a freakin fantastic thing that you’re doing with your tips on heaps of things. I came across Styling Curvy because a friend of mine found it and sent me the link. I wish I knew a way to get the word out to more people about your FB sites , where people can have a smile, get ideas, chat and empathise with others.
Angela Thankyou! Beautiful words that made me smile and make me proud. I hope you’re doing well, feel free to share any of my posts anytime. Thanks to your friend for connecting us xx
Love that you have written this from every fibre of your being. Jen a huge hug on your three year mark. And what a lovely person you are to share so much. Thanks to FB in finding and following your journey. Love you and what some many people you help. A Beautiful Saint you are. ?
Thankyou Maggie, this one was busting to get out…I always say ‘better out than in’ xx
I’m sitting here with tears streaming thinking. You rock. .You are awesome and God I love what you have to say. Your strength is contagious. Thanks for sharing. You’ve made me aware of how lucky I am. Stay strong sister. ❤?????
Thankyou so much Amanda…I like being contagious 🙂
Beautiful. Congratulations Jen, you are a fighter, an inspiration, a shining light. Keep smiling sweetie xx
Thankyou Beck and thanks for sharing today xx
Well done on a great read.
Thanks darling x
Resonates with me 1000%.
Nearly every word . I couldn’t have said it as eloquently as you.
Three years three months today since my surgery .
My mister is like yours . Thank God.
thanks Trish, a good partner truly helps. Congrats on 3 years and 3 months…thriver 🙂
Wow Jen! This beautiful! It was like I was reading your life story book! You are amazing, every word I was with you and I had those thoughts all the time!!you are so strong and inspire so many people, that yes there is life after cancer,and not everybody can handle the new you, but who cares!!!!!as long as you are happy and doing what you love xxxx
I think this deserves a big bunch of stocks!!!? must catch up soon
Three years – woot! Here’s to three decades – at least! Had all the feels reading this post, it’s almost 4 years for me and although our cancers and treatment were different this post resonated with me so much. It’s like you went inside my head and emptied out all the thinks that I had in there! You’re so inspiring! x
It’s such a relief to pass these milestones, as I’m sure you feel too Sam. You’re inspiring too babe x
it takes guts to go through all of that and keep smiling!
congratulations and keep on being amazing jen!
you are inspirational beyond words!
lots of love m:)X
Thanks Merilyn, I’m smiling because life is wonderful x
Congratulations on not being dead. Here’s to many more years ahead, living your best life!
Thanks Beth, it’s great to be alive x
Not sure how I missed this post… But WOW!!! You continue to amaze me. Thankyou for sharing your journey with us… and thankyou for everything you do. You have answered my questions, calmed my fears, guided my mind and continued to show me how there is a silver lining in everything we do. Thankyou for being you and thankyou for being my friend. Love ya guts kiddo!!!! ? xxx
You’re welcome, you’re doing wonderfully well on your journey too x
wow love your positivity ? so empowering xx
Thankyou x
Huge yay for 3 years! So beautifully written and it’s clear you are surrounded by a tribe if damn good people. Here’s to many more healthy happy years lovely xx
Thanks Shannon, I have wonderful cheerleaders and my little family is my strength x
20th September is my birthday. I think I have some priorities to re evaluate and make sure I’m living life. After all, we have similar things to be grateful for on that day each year.