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FORGIVENESS IS FREAKIN HARD.

By 59 Comments

Forgiveness is so freaking hard to do. I’m stuck in the forgiveness trap, do I or don’t I?

You see I’m hurt, I’m battered and I’ve had enough.

I’m sick of the guilt trip, feeling like I should give in because it’s ‘the right thing to do’. I did it for years, too many years and then I took back my power and said ‘enough’.

When I was sick with cancer we had amazing people step up and immerse themselves in our darkest time. They were there…they were present. These people gave us strength, love and hope. We are forever grateful to these good humans.

They helped me enormously, they supported my husband, but unfortunately it was the boys that missed out.

Who was there for them? It should have been family but sadly they weren’t, and that cuts deep.

There’s family that didn’t step up, didn’t call, ask, help…love. Then they whisper behind closed doors. I hate this. It’s gutless and insensitive and so bloody ‘high school’. It’s not love.

So I closed the door and said ‘enough’. And now, without a ‘sorry’ or explanation some want me to open the door again.

I don’t know if I can. Guilt, shame, fear, anger…such ugly and harmful branches of forgiveness. How do we forgive? Can we ever forget?

Got any tips for me?

til next time,

Jen X

Comments

    • Thanks Sal. In the past I’ve forgiven but also needed to totally remove myself from that person…it’s how I roll. But, is it what I really need to do? Can we forgive but still put ourselves back in the firing line?

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  2. I am completely with you Jen. Forgiveness is hard and true forgiveness and healing can only possibly start with a conversation. A chance for you to explain why you feel like you do, for them to explain, to apologize, whatever, but to say something.

    To not have this conversation and to expect that things can go back to normal is unfair. My Mum called it playing “happy families”. She did it for years until she too said no more and was far better for it. Much happier not having to pretend to be ok all the time when she was hurting.

    I feel for you Jen, and my advice is for you to say that you are willing to open the door again, but only after you can have an honest discussion .

    Hope that helps
    ?

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    • ‘Playing’ happy families is right Kirrily, your mum was wise. I need that conversation. Thanks gorgeous, totally helps xxx

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      • Glad to hear it helped, Jen. Yep, she was one of the wisest people I knew (except about how to look after her health). Much love and strength. Make it happen and you will all grow xx

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  3. This is a really unfair situation to be in. You didn’t ask for any of this. They behaved badly and now they want you to make all the concessions for them. They need to prove themselves to you before you can open yourself back up to them. In my opinion at least. Forgiving is easy but forgetting not so much.

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  4. U can only get knocked diwn so many times Jen before enough us enough. Have had similar experience an have had no contact for years. Much happier without them. Take care and do what your gut tells you, you won’t go wrong. Much love happy new year. ??

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  5. Hi Jen- it’s a tough one and I’ve had to do some hard work around forgiving …. I had to get things out on the open and give each of us a chance to voice how we had been hurt … A chance to hear the other side. Then came the tricky part…. I was given advise to pray for the that person , or send good vibes , positive thoughts- whatever is your thing … So I tried it. And it worked! First through gritted teeth I just handed them over to the universe and asked they be looked after. Every time a negative thought about them came up or I got bitchy and resentful I did this… And it changed my thinking. It helped move on from the past. Doesn’t mean what they did was right- but I didn’t let it eat me up any more . The relationship has changed- we aren’t ” besties” but I can be genuinely civil… It a weight off my shoulders xxxx

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  6. Oh this is a hard one Jenn..and I feel for you..do you want to open these doors again? And not because of guilt. because you used to have fun and miss them.
    I am very much a black and white person {wish I could be a little more ‘grey’} but that is how I am made up..After my dad passed away {and mum had already passed}, my siblings did something completely unforgivable and I wiped them off the face of the earth since that day..haven’t spoken to them in over 14 years and never will again. {and they know why} For me, I can live with my decision and barely even think of them these days..but I know some would think my actions are too harsh..But do something REALLY bad to me or my kids and I am happy with cutting them out of my life..I guess only you can make that decision xx

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    • I’m the same Ann, I haven’t seen my mother in 20 years and am totally happy with that choice. I think relationships need to be two way, if you’re the one who is always giving and receiving nothing in return then is there anything to miss? I think I just answered my own dilemma, thanks x?

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  7. Do you have to forgive them?
    I don’t think you should take that pressure all on your shoulders. I am forever the optimist and believe in giving people multiple chances but I also think you need to be realistic about the boundaries and expectations you place on yourself and the other involved parties. You may never get the response you deserve or desire from those family members and you may have to prepare yourself for that. Sometimes people get stuck into routines and habits that justify their own actions and will never be completely honest with themselves.
    I struggle with this constantly but am trying to choose to live a fun filled and happy life with my little family. As a consequence we try to celebrate the family we have found for ourselves and each other. Much love to you all.

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  8. So sick of having to be the one who offers the olive branch with family who make little effort and hurt each other. Played happy families for many years too. Pretty much over the whole thing now but I miss my siblings. Tough decision to make but the necessary conversation will be tough too ….don’t envy you Jen Xo

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  9. Oh it’s so shit to be in that situation.
    How can you truly forgive if there’s no acknowledgement of wrongdoing??
    I feel like perhaps they think now you’re well again, things should return to normal programming.
    Excruciatingly unfair of them.
    Don’t rush to unruffled anyone’s feathers.
    Don’t rush.
    Reflect, perhaps write and say you think an honest conversation is required, without laying out the whole situation as things can be misconstrued, ask them if they’re willing to come to the table.
    Don’t rush because of any pressure you may feel externally.
    Be good to yourself.

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  10. Wow, I could have almost written this myself this week. The thing is when I closed the door I eventually moved on and learned to live my life without the ‘family that didn’t step up’. The thing with them wanting to open the door is that it lets the hurt back in again, and it brings back the reminders and the pain and the sadness, all the things that I had walked away from. We have to do what is right for us, and for a lot of people conversations and forgiveness would be what is right, but for me I am going to slam that door hard shut again, because after losing a couple of days to the pain and the tears again I have come to the conclusion that those people are robbing those who do love and need me of the time I could have with them, and be it right or wrong by slamming the door the people that mean the most to me will get the most of me. Good luck with your choices.

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  12. Hi Jen know exactly how you feel. I love all the inspirational quotes and that if you forgive you will feel better and with some things this works but when you have been gutted by the very people who profess to care I don’t really know that it can be done. I too have had your experience with the closest of family MIL and sisters in law who took it upon themselves to say that I lied about my cancer and had stomach stapling done instead. Well to start with I want my $6000 + money back because that didn’t f…King work and I want my sullied reputation back . I am not a liar and never had been and to question my integrity that way has left a feeling in my gut that I just can’t get rid of. I have a good husband and children and grandchildren that I cherish I would never have lied to them and the fact that her son my husband was at every surgeons visit I just can’t get my head around it. They too think I am being unreasonable because I haven’t spoken to them since this all came to light. Yes I feel very sorry that they feel the need to tear me down obviously their lives are pretty dull. How do I walk into their house and act like nothing has happened I just can’t God knows who else they have slandered me to. I really would like to take the high road but like you I am wondering is it worth it. I really know where you are coming from good luck whatever you decide but do it to make yourself happy not them. Just keep doing your thing gorgeous lady some people just can’t be forgiven or forgotten. Xxx?

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  13. Wow! So many ifs and buts … I had a friend who decided once to wipe me from her life. That was hurtful but it was fine, she was a difficult friend and really did me a favour. I’m a loyal friend and sometimes don’t see when friendship has run its course. But here is the thing, I didn’t know why, I had obviously done something that upset her but to this day I don’t know what, at least give me the opportunity to apologise and lets go get on with our separate lives. I hate hate. It makes me feel ill. I live under the misconception that we should all get along. So I would consider opening the door for these reasons a) to tell them why, give them the opportunity for a heartfelt apology (if one is not forthcoming close that door, and lock it); b) if my immediate family needed them, am I doing a disservice to my husband or my children or myself holding on to this; c) how much am I prepared to open that door and can I open it only that much. Keep your power, keep your values, keep you. But don’t keep hate. love ya xx

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    • That’s the sad thing Sandra is they have had opportunity to talk about it but choose to sweep it under the carpet. I love your response, so wise lady xxx

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  14. Jen forgiveness can be tough,as you feel vonurable. From my own personal extremely painful time with a family member. I hurt as I was missing out on Grandmother time with my Grandaughters. But very slow and steady steps after a year,what was troubling me, gave me strength to be able to talk and I found bit by bit life got turned around. And now can have a happier time with that side of my family.
    So Jen try as hard as it seems just open a conversation and stay on top of it. I wish you all the best. We lovelies can all help you.. Hope this helps you. Lol❤️

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  15. Jen, you can be so wise & helpful to others in need. If one of the group had this problem, how would you advise them. I agree through life we may meet people that it is better to move on if things get rough.
    With family it is different, it is my opinion that when anyone is rude, nasty or unkind, they are the ones with the problem, not you. LOVE is the most powerful energy in the Universe, there is no problem that enough LOVE cannot solve. I wonder if this is a little test the universe has thrown out to you. I believe you are a Taurus, they are ruled by VENUS, which we all know = LOVE. At this time of year is the perfect time to throw all the old sad memories in a bin, better still you could write down the problems then burn the paper, never to think about again, ever. How wonderful for your beautiful boys, also a wonderful lesson they would be learning in forgiveness. Love & Best wishes to my successful friend who can *Do IT*. xxxx

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    • It would make life easier June, and it’s something I’ve tried in the past. I’m not sure this time I can x

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  16. Hi Jenni, forgiving anyone is so that you can move on. It is not about them but about YOU! Forgiveness also allows them to stop living rent-free in your head. Once this happens it is emotionally liberating. You choose how much you allow them to be a part of your life not them. It is possible to forgive and not forget – you need this to still protect yourself in case it happens again. I do speak from experience and the great thing is that now I can be in the same room as that person without the feeling that I’m choking. I don’t have to be close to that person ever again but I get to enjoy the company of other family members who were feeling caught “in-between”, thus making the atmosphere tense. Hope my experience helps you in some way. The good thing is they know they now have no emotional control over me and I feel free. Good luck xx

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  17. I divorced myself from the behaviour of my family nearly 5 years ago and even though there are times when I feel incredibly lonely, sad, isolated, left out, abandoned and hurt, I am proud that I stood up to their bullying ways and hurtful snide comments. Years of growing up in that toxic environment has turned me into the insecure adult that I am today and their hurtful words still echo in my head during my dark times.
    I don’t believe in forgiveness just because they are ‘family’. If they were a true member of your tribe they wouldn’t have been asshats in the first place and you wouldn’t be in this awkward position. Cull them and choose your own family. xx

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    • I did it with my own family (not all)?too Sonia and it was the healthiest thing ever for me and for my family I made. X

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  18. You can forgive without forgetting and that means that if you do open the door you do so slowly and only a little at a time. They need to re-earn your trust and that means holding your boundaries. You can do that in your own inimitable way, but only if you think it worth it. I am a big fan of the family we choose, our friends, they are generally far more reliable ?

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  19. so many lovely comments here 🙂 I should listen to them myself LOL I was going to say ……. keep those doors closed as they hurt you deeply, but by the time I got down to the last comment, I was thinking ‘….. well, maybe open the door a little bit, and see if they can re-earn your trust, and re-earn the badge of ‘family’. ‘Family’ is a blessing at times, but can also be a curse. Family also comes with responsibilities, as well as some wonderful rewards – do what you feel is best for your ‘family’ be it the family you were born into, or the family you choose 🙂

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  20. Oh Jen,

    I feel for you! I too am very very black and white with my feelings, sometimes a little too much I think.
    I have lived my whole life with being taught from a very young age to sweep things under the carpet & its friggin tiring!

    Being told your shit, whether that’s with words or actions, taking it, not even being able to show an emotion let alone fight back, and then having to pretend like what happened didn’t really – so you could stay sane!

    You have had some amazing advice above, some I may even take on myself.

    The only thing I would add, is why would you let them back in? What’s in it for you? Your immediate family? Will giving these people another chance to be included in your tight knit lovely family add anything to your lives?

    If yes, then I think the conversation ( as mentioned by Kirily & others) that allows you to be honest with how they made you feel, and give them a chance to apologise is a good first step.

    If the answer is NO, then I say don’t open that door, not even an inch!

    At the end of the day the decision is yours, and only yours,

    Good luck

    xXx

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    • Sweeping shit under the carpet serves no one, surely it’s better to speak up and get it out. I don’t know that opening the door would serve me or our children, life has been pleasant with the door closed. So many awesome responses xx

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  21. It’s even harder than it’s family, especially when they should have been there for you in the first place. Do what you feel is right hun, at the end of the day it’s about you!

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  22. Do what feels right for you and YOUR family…
    It shows more about them than you, as you can go forward and not feel guilty about your choice.

    You can forgive, if only for yourself but NEVER forget
    May 2016, be everything you need it to be xoxoxoxo

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  23. It’s easy said than done to forgive. I know we are meant to do it and it does release us in the end but it is still hard to do. I think it comes down to realising there is nothing you or they can do to change the past, but you can change the future and so can they-by moving on. The thing is they missed out on an opportunity to be with your boys and that can never be changed and while it might be swept under the carpet, you don’t know what’s going on in their heart. And why their prompting you now to be able n contact. Be cautious, but the power is in your hands lovely. Xx

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  24. Hi Jen You can forgive Its hard because I was in a situation that ate at me in the end I chose too because as the sayng goies Unforgveness is lke drinking poison and hoping the oher person dies. Other people don’t give a fig about thier actions They probably don’t even think they have don anything wrong. Tharts your choice but I don’t thnk you have to forget. We all have our circles of trust and its our choice who we let in the closest and just bcause someone is family does not give them them the right to be included in that circle. Trust is earned but Forgivenss is a gft you can give freely no strings attached. Better for you in the long run honey

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  25. Hi Jenni,
    I know I am only relatively new to your blog, but you have posed a question that I regularly struggle with in my life. As soon as I read your words, I was reminded of a hand out I was given by my psychologist, years ago. It is from a book called ‘Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart’ (Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now), by Gordon Livingston, M.D.
    It says ‘Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing’. ‘Widely confused with forgetting or reconciliation, forgiveness is neither. It is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves’.
    Despite reading the above, I still haven’t been able to find forgiveness within me for those who abused me as a small child. But until I do, I know I won’t be able to move on…I am stuck. So 2016 is the year that I WILL do something to take control back from my abusers. In 2016 I am moving ME up on my priority list, before acquaintances, before inlaws who refuse to treat me with respect, before my demanding and unappreciative mother, before friends that aren’t there for me but want me to be there for them. It won’t feel natural and it won’t feel comfortable, but I have promised myself to love myself more.
    So Jenni, I believe by you loving yourself, you will come to realise that you are worthy of receiving respect, true friendship and support from everyone in your life. If they haven’t delivered in the past, what makes you think that they will deliver in the future? Only you have to be convinced that they have changed xxx

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  26. extremely difficult jen if they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong!
    there may have to be a bit of everyone getting their stuff out into the open!
    baby steps or clean sweep? if you have the energy for that! …
    all depends on if you really want to connect again or not!
    you have to do it only for you hun! … for your own healing not for anyone else!
    “forgiveness is an act of love” … Stephanie dowrick … an excellent book to read
    healing often takes place after forgiveness! … a fairly proven fact!
    I read somewhere forgive anyone before they do anything! … good one!
    and ofcourse there is forgive for they know not what they do! … totally agree with that!
    people don’t change unless they see the need! then it takes a lot of work to re program conditioned behaviour!
    this is quite timely as I already decided to forgive people as a constant in my life!
    said enough!
    happy new year hun! love m:)X

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  27. Hi Jen,

    Whatever you decide, decide it for you -not your kids, not your husband, but for you.

    And who says you have to forgive? Just forget them (and no, you will never forget what was done, but you can forget (ignore?) them).

    Have a great 2016, and please keep blogging! You are inspiring.

    Love

    Michele

    Reply

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