You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re waiting for something, that thing that you want to know about but don’t want to know about? Maybe you don’t. But if you’ve had cancer like me you’ll totally know what I’m talking about.
It’s ‘that time’. This Tuesday I’m headed in to see my specialist for my 6 month checkup. It’s the day that I’ll either leave there with a skip in my step and give cancer a very rigid middle finger while smirking like the proverbial cat or it could be the day where everything comes crashing down…again.
My money’s on giving the middle finger, but that’s the thing, we head into those ‘big’ checkups with a little trepidation don’t we? It’s a roll of the dice in the lottery of life.
The specialist will give me a feel up as I can no longer have mammograms, boobs made from your back will do that. I’m feeling a bit on edge lately and every lump under my skin is leaving me feeling anxious, uneasy and full of ‘what if’s’ so I’m going to push for an ultrasound. I’m lumpy because I’m riddled with scar tissue and it’s bloody hard to separate the good from the bad if you know what I mean.
What I really want is a full body scan because I’m nosey and need to know, but I’m pretty sure the docs won’t go for that. Those big scans cost big money and also have side effects so are doled out sparingly. I get it, won’t stop me from asking though.
There’s something else we will discuss, ‘hysterectomy’. It’s kinda common for breast cancer women to also have a hysterectomy, until now we’ve avoided it. Instead I head into an oncology ward on a monthly basis and have the mother of horse needles shoved in my guts, an implant to shrivel up my ovaries and keep me in menopause.
I don’t mind being in menopause, I’m used to the daily plucking of my beard, a dry vagina, grey hair, thin skin and well….just having the woman sucked outa me. Unfortunately the implant has some pretty strong and nasty side effects, my bones are thinning at an alarming rate, my knees are stuffed and there’s some other unsavoury yuck going on.
Is it time to have another surgery and book in a hysterectomy? I feel so bloody good, so healthy and all the previous surgeries are becoming a memory. Do I want to be right back there in the world of Endone, pain and constipation? Although, Endone is fun! 🙂
The specialists have avoided it because I’ve had so many surgeries, but I’m tired of fronting up to an oncology ward every month. Seeing the chemo, smelling it…I feel like I can taste it…it’s not good for me. That stuff messes with my head not to mention the monthly dent in our budget.
So the doc and I will have the ‘talk’ again. We’ll weigh up the pros and cons and hopefully make a plan. I’m also hoping that they’ll give me the tick of health and say “see ya in 12 months”. God I just want to graduate to yearly appointments. Between the breast specialist, oncologist, plastic surgeon and the monthly horse needle I see a lot of the hospital…too much.
Over the last week or so I’ve been keeping busy, looking after myself and trying not to focus on this appointment. As a cancer thriver it’s the one appointment that can disrupt our new found lease on life, because we know too well what a non favourable outcome means and how it can turn your life to shit in the blink of an eye.
If someone you care for has had cancer make a point to treat them with extra love and care in the weeks leading up to the yearly check up. Check in on them, ask how they’re doing or take them out to keep their mind busy. I just know they’ll appreciate it and love ya forever.
Right I’m off to tidy my wardrobe or have a nap…yes maybe a nap.