Styling Curvy

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I JUST WANNA GIVE THE MIDDLE FINGER

By 52 Comments

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re waiting for something, that thing that you want to know about but don’t want to know about? Maybe you don’t. But if you’ve had cancer like me you’ll totally know what I’m talking about.

It’s ‘that time’. This Tuesday I’m headed in to see my specialist for my 6 month checkup. It’s the day that I’ll either leave there with a skip in my step and give cancer a very rigid middle finger while smirking like the proverbial cat or it could be the day where everything comes crashing down…again.

My money’s on giving the middle finger, but that’s the thing, we head into those ‘big’ checkups with a little trepidation don’t we? It’s a roll of the dice in the lottery of life.

The specialist will give me a feel up as I can no longer have mammograms, boobs made from your back will do that. I’m feeling a bit on edge lately and every lump under my skin is leaving me feeling anxious, uneasy and full of ‘what if’s’ so I’m going to push for an ultrasound. I’m lumpy because I’m riddled with scar tissue and it’s bloody hard to separate the good from the bad if you know what I mean.

What I really want is a full body scan because I’m nosey and need to know, but I’m pretty sure the docs won’t go for that. Those big scans cost big money and also have side effects so are doled out sparingly. I get it, won’t stop me from asking though.

There’s something else we will discuss, ‘hysterectomy’. It’s kinda common for breast cancer women to also have a hysterectomy, until now we’ve avoided it. Instead I head into an oncology ward on a monthly basis and have the mother of horse needles shoved in my guts, an implant to shrivel up my ovaries and keep me in menopause.

I don’t mind being in menopause, I’m used to the daily plucking of my beard, a dry vagina, grey hair, thin skin and well….just having the woman sucked outa me. Unfortunately the implant has some pretty strong and nasty side effects, my bones are thinning at an alarming rate, my knees are stuffed and there’s some other unsavoury yuck going on.

Is it time to have another surgery and book in a hysterectomy? I feel so bloody good, so healthy and all the previous surgeries are becoming a memory. Do I want to be right back there in the world of Endone, pain and constipation? Although, Endone is fun! 🙂

The specialists have avoided it because I’ve had so many surgeries, but I’m tired of fronting up to an oncology ward every month. Seeing the chemo, smelling it…I feel like I can taste it…it’s not good for me. That stuff messes with my head not to mention the monthly dent in our budget.

So the doc and I will have the ‘talk’ again. We’ll weigh up the pros and cons and hopefully make a plan. I’m also hoping that they’ll give me the tick of health and say “see ya in 12 months”. God I just want to graduate to yearly appointments. Between the breast specialist, oncologist, plastic surgeon and the monthly horse needle I see a lot of the hospital…too much.

Over the last week or so I’ve been keeping busy, looking after myself and trying not to focus on this appointment. As a cancer thriver it’s the one appointment that can disrupt our new found lease on life, because we know too well what a non favourable outcome means and how it can turn your life to shit in the blink of an eye.

If someone you care for has had cancer make a point to treat them with extra love and care in the weeks leading up to the yearly check up. Check in on them, ask how they’re doing or take them out to keep their mind busy. I just know they’ll appreciate it and love ya forever.

Right I’m off to tidy my wardrobe or have a nap…yes maybe a nap.

Til next time,

Jen x

Comments

  1. ?????? good luck Jen! My husband has his first three month check just before Christmas. I’m feeling sick about it already and am watching him like a Hawke for any signs. Like I’m an expert…

    Reply

    • Bec we’re forced into this world and none of us are experts, good on you for being aware. I’m praying his checkup results in a rigid middle finger and celebratory cake x

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  2. Jen I am sorry that you have to go through this ‘stuff’ all of the time and I can only imagine how tiring it must be for you.

    I can’t say I know how you feel, but I can say that you are in my thoughts – especially when you go to see your Specialist this week.

    My Mum is a breast cancer thriver, but I lost my Dad to bowel cancer when he was only 53 so unfortunately I have some experience with this dreadful disease.

    Your strength and grace is inspiring and I know that you will continue to be a huge help and inspiration to those who are facing their own cancer battles.

    Love and light to you my friend and keep kicking cancer’s arse!

    Reply

    • Hi Jen I had my yearly appt with my oncologist last Thursday and all clear but you are right the worry before is awful….I don’t have to go through all the appt that you do but do feel for you and will be thinking of you xxx

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    • Thanks for your care and kind words Kate:-) I bet your Mum feels all the feels too. I’m so sorry to read about your Dad, that’s incredibly young x

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  4. Just reading this gives me a bit of a knot in my stomach Jen, I can’t imagine how you feel.

    All of the invasions, the drugs, pain, waiting, the hoops…. and that so many people face them. Cancer truly sucks.

    Make sure your manicure is impeccable so that middle finger salute looks good!!
    ??????.

    Reply

  5. You know there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I’ll try. I’m sending you all my bestest most wonderful vibes & a virtual hug with all the energy I can muster! I only wish wonderful things for you lady & want to thank you for sharing all that you do. I think the awareness you give us makes us better people xx

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  6. I feel your apprehension through your words and wish it wasn’t so for you & anyone who has or is going through this..I can only wish you the best and pray for a continuation of a positive health outcome…. xoxo

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  7. Sending an abundance of peace and love to you, i wish you a skip in your step as you leave your appointment.

    I have recently 2 months ago, had to have an unplanned unexpected abdominal hysterectomy, my fifth abdo surgery. Whilst I wouldn’t describe it as fun I am feeling better for it now, with my dr stating my QOL being much improved in 6 months. Many women have told me life after hysterectomy is wonderful, this has been my focus and I’m happy so far. I send blessings and love.

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    • Now that can’t be pleasant Suzie! It’s all about quality of life though isn’t it? I hope your is on the improve lady x

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  8. Hey Jenni
    From someone who has been there done that – go for the hysterectomy.. I had a radical two weeks after I had my breast surgery in October of 2004, I have not looked back.. For me it was all done at once, I know that for you it has been somewhat drawn out with your many procedures, so that has to be tough – It was highly recommended that I have it done as the testing on my cancer showed they had positive hormone receptors, so by removing my other lady bits was the way to go. I did however have to take Tamoxifen for 5 years to stop all hormone production and did grow the beard, am still having hot flushes, but I don’t miss the periods at all, the benefits have outweighed the alternatives!! I also have had both knees replaced, but that is also because I have advanced osteoarthritis (and I am old!!! kinda sucks…) .. I am going for my annual check up on Thursday and firmly believe I will be using the middle finger and skipping – as I think you will too!! You have all of the support that you need from friends and a strong partnership with Craig, and the many many people that you influence and encourage on a daily basis with your online presence. You will be fine….

    Reply

    • Thanks Kim, sometimes I wish it was done back in the beginning (I’m receptive to hormone too) but it wasn’t to be and now I’m just tired of seeing the inside of a theatre and the recovery. I haven’t had a period since my first chemo. pretty sure QOL would be similar but my mind would be able to move on more if I have the surgery. Good luck Thursday, we’ll both be ladies as we leave our appointments LOL 🙂

      Reply

  9. My love to you, Jen, for Tuesday.

    My heart is really with your Mister and your Young Men! I have been them and I hated it. Trying to stay positive and caring for your partner, when all you want to do is find someone to be positive for you and care for you!

    I will be thinking of you all. x

    Get your finger ready, Jen!

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  10. Sending you a cyber hug and will be thinking of you on Tuesday – I too hope you can give it your middle finger xxx

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  11. Dear Jen, I completely understand where you’re at. I got the all clear at my last check up but made myself a blubbering mess before it. I also got called back to the doc after some routine bloods last week, turned out to be microcytic anaemia and they are doing iron studies to find cause, but that call back brought everything flooding back. I’m keeping everything crossed for you and sending you blessings xxxx

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  12. Jen i am truly benefiting from and loving being a part of your group and reading the blog.
    Stay as strong as you encourage others…..and keep us all in your heart with you when you walk in for that appointment
    I will have your inspiration with me when i finally get to start chemo on Friday and begin the next assault on this C ….
    Thank You ….. i look forward to your middle finger gesture this week …. we will all salute you with an index xoxoxo

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  13. Good luck Jenni, I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I have no doubt you will be giving the bird and walking away from your appointment with a gigantic smile on your face. Xx

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  14. Oh Jen I do hope you get the all clear though of course you’re going to worry ,I had a hysterectomy years ago but my recovery was long and painful,get all the advice you can,I hear you on the menopause symptoms they suck!
    I will be thinking of you lovely Jenni Xx

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  16. Thinking of you on Tuesday Jenni I’m sure you have so got this in your words and you can give the middle finger a massive salute. Your a inspiration and a gem. Much Love xx

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  17. I have no idea how you’re feeling Jenni. Just know that there are a lot of people sending you love and strength. X

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  18. Jenni I will be praying for good news on Tuesday. You are amazing! You are so beautiful and live life to the full and yet you have been going through so much that I wasn’t aware of. After recently having my own scare the first person I thought of was you and I think you are a role model for women fighting this cancer beast. This blog and your personal outlook is one big ‘fu’ middle finger at cancer. My thoughts are with you and my prayers will be dominated with petitions to ensure you have good news and so you can continue to be the inspiration you are. Xxx

    Reply

    • Bec I was never religious but these days when friends pray for me I take great comfort in that…Thankyou. Sorry you had a scare, must have been rough. Bring on Tuesday and let it be fine ? X

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  19. I am going to Melbourne this week to take my Mum to her yearly appointment so I will be praying to Buddha that you both get the thumbs up (inside of the middle finger). Love and pinkness to you. xx

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  20. ill be thinking of you in Tuesday Jen, and sending you all the positive wishes a girl can need!!!! You are such a ball of positivity and sunshine – I’m sure it’s all wonderful doing for your health!! Middle finger is ready and waiting to salute on Tuesday then xx

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  24. dear amazing, brave, courageous jen!
    I hope all has gone well for you today!
    sending much love through the ether! m:)X

    Reply

    • I know you know my feels, from speaking with many cancer thrivers it’s a common thing. Thanks for the vibes 🙂 xx

      Reply

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