My boob is gone and it’s time to meet the chemo oncologist… I don’t even know what an oncologist does anyway, I just know it sounds pretty serious.
My mister and I arrive at our first oncology appointment armed with questions, yeah you guessed it I’ve been researching again. Don’t get me wrong I’m not into Doctor Google and only scour Australian sites for information but I need to go with some idea of what we are about to discuss.
He’s really nice and I’m so grateful that he’s calm and has a cheeky smile. My doctor starts talking in terms that doctors normally talk in so I throw in a few big words of my own that I’ve learned from the Internet and he pauses, sits back on his chair and calmly states…”ahhh, you like to read?” Yup, I sure do and I play an active role in my healthcare. Ok, he nods shoots me a smile and changes tact. Now he’s talking to me, we’re having a discussion and he gets me.
Then he opens up his computer and punches in all my numbers, you know what grade my tumour is, how big it was, where it spread, my age and how many nodes involved etc. Before you know it he has a new number for me…
Can you imagine (go on try) sitting in a doctors office with the one you plan to grow old with, you’ve given the other doctors your breast and your nodes…you’re clenching holding your husbands hand and a doctor informs you that without chemotherapy and hormone therapy you have a 36% chance of being alive in 10 years?
Can you imagine it?
I was so busy watching him tap in all my info that for a few seconds it didn’t register…36% ! hang on a minute WTF? No really…like WTF?!
I actually covered my mouth with my hand in that moment as it registered that cutting off my boob wasn’t enough. I was truly shocked.
In that moment fear flooded my body, adrenaline swirled and my legs went weak, this shit was serious, but wait! With all the chemo and hormone therapy my odds went up to 67%, what?! They couldn’t cure this cancer?!
Sure 67% is waaaay better but no cure? I’m 41 for Shiz sake, surely you guys can fix this?
We left knowing all the possible side effects of chemo, that I would have 18 rounds and then radiotherapy and hormone therapy, they might even take my ovaries too. First I need another surgery to have a port inserted into my chest for the chemo to be infused through.
Wow! How the hell did I get here? How did we end up clutching hands travelling down a lift in a hospital in silence. As the doors opened I exhaled, my mister gave me a wink and squeezed my hand and we walked outa that hospital ready to head home and tell our kids that this shit just got serious.
Til next time,
Jen x
Rachel from Redcliffe Style says
February 6, 2015 at 6:27 pmYou are an amazing writer sharing an amazing story. I think you are so brave for sharing this serious and emotional journey and I believe you will help a lot of people. Rachel xx
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 7:20 pmThankyou Rachel, I didn’t always feel brave but I’m certainly stronger and more resilient than ever. I write in the hope that I am helping people and enlightening people, everyone’s cancer experience is individual but there’s common threads.xxx
erin says
February 6, 2015 at 6:41 pmI was sitting with my Dad as we received this news. Except 20% chance of being alive after a year. The most indescribable feeling in the world. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do it.
Almost 2 years later and he’s still here. So grateful for everyday.
What an amazing story you are sharing, I can only imagine how many you are helping! xx
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 7:17 pmIt’s shocking listening to those odds Erin. Thank goodness your Dad is still here…brilliant x
Val says
February 6, 2015 at 6:41 pmWith your attitude ,even tho I haven’t met you…..I don’t doubt for one minute that you will be sitting in your rocking chair with Mister !! And probably the hottest old lady ever….well apart from me !!!
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 7:18 pmOMG that made me laugh Val!
Val says
February 6, 2015 at 8:03 pmGood !!
Annette says
February 6, 2015 at 7:03 pmI can’t imagine anything but the fear, and I don’t want to do even that.
I commend you for being a researching, engaged participant in your treatment.
I commend you for being a positive, giving, truthful, encouraging, yes, even a ROLE MODEL of awesomeness to your family and friends and readers.
My wish for you is for way more than those clinical stats give you, & strength to get through your treatment. I wish for:
Resilience – not in a ‘suck it up’ way at all, but actual resilience.
Vulnerability – don’t let this harden you.
Grace – for yourself, your partner, those who’ll stammer and stumble over their words of support.
Humility – you’ll need help. Lean into those who can help you.
Self-care – create space for yourself to be nurtured, and your spirit to breathe.
Laughter. Sometimes it is the only thing to do. Laugh, then cry, and regroup.
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 7:16 pmThankyou Annette all beautiful things. Thank goodness I’ve come out the other side. Cancer will live in our minds and hearts forever bt bitterness is never something I’ve felt. I’m often grateful for my experiences and what I’ve learned. x
Fleur says
February 6, 2015 at 7:24 pmOh my god….. Just relived that whole sinario. I just read it to my husband. You were luck to have the silent lift ride. I lost it ( just a mountain of tears) and so did my husband when we had to sign paper work before we left the clinic. This whole cancer thing is shit…but we are lucky we live in a country that we have access to health care. Im now in week 4 and some days fight anger as I am so limited to what I can do. It is terrible to know what other women go through ( men too). And then I read your story and that I am not alone. I have been blessed with a husband who painted my toe nails has dried my hair wiped my bum, brushed my teeth pulled my nickers up dressed me the list is endless. But after all this I will not be free of this stupid cancer. Percentages.! 6 years ago I was given 93 % that it would Not come back. I love my oncologist but I think he should of said 93 % chance it WILL return. But that’s life. I’m happy it’s not going to stop me from living just yet. Today I wore a strapless top….without a bra now there’s a plus got told numerous times that I looked great. So maybe there is an up side. Love your blogs and honestly. Sorry for the long comment. Fleur.
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 8:57 pmUhuh I hear ya Fleur! It’s such a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I was so fortunate to have a hubby who did all of those things too bless him. The frustration at having limited ability and range of motion and pain…god so frustrating. I love your long message don’t ever apologise because trust me it’s better out than in. I think we need a coffee hun x
Fleur says
February 6, 2015 at 10:16 pmOh yes ……coffee , but I think we would not stop talking. Boobs, fashion ,kids husbands, life and food….not forget markets.
Jenni says
February 7, 2015 at 10:24 amLOL, you’re right Fleur x
Kellie says
February 6, 2015 at 8:54 pmOh Jen, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You can beat this! Just please stay Positive. My mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 (the worst kind) Cancer and She is well and truly out of Remission. Cancer Free for 8 years now.
Mum continued life as normal, she mowed the lawns and did everything she normally had done and stayed positive.
You are GOING to beat this. I know you can and you will
Sending lots of love and Strength xoxoxo
Jenni says
February 6, 2015 at 9:04 pmHI Kellie, this is written retrospectively, I was diagnosed September 2012. My doctor doesn’t use the word remission…it’s a wait n see kinda thing. that’s so brilliant that your Mum is doing so well…treasure that xx
Maddi says
February 7, 2015 at 5:51 amOh love, that is soooooo full ON!!! But seriously, I don’t reckon the doctors have much of a clue really.
My Dad was diagnosed with aggressive Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and given 2 weeks to live in 2001, and you’ll be happy to know that not only is he still with us today, but the old bugger is healthier and fitter than all of us put together!!!!
And he’s a completely changed man too!!! He used to be quite negative, but he’s really super positive these days. He joined a cancer support group at the hospital, and they all do meditation once a week together, and it has made a huge difference to him. He also does meditation once a day by himself at home too now.
He also threw himself into all of Ian Gawler’s philosophies, did all the juicing etc, and went and did a couple of his retreats, which he found amazing.
So yeah, don’t believe those docs, you got this sister!!!
🙂 Maddi (Dolly and Lorna, Instagram)
Jenni says
February 7, 2015 at 10:27 amWow that’s so great for your Dad. Cancer is a sneaky cow that still needs heaps of research.x
Kathryn says
February 7, 2015 at 6:21 amJen, I love how you write. I just wish I was like Annette, and could write a message to you that explains how it made me feel to read your post. You are an amazing woman, and your husband…he is an amazing man. Kathryn xx
Jenni says
February 7, 2015 at 10:29 amMy husband is my heart…he’s the best x
merilyn says
February 7, 2015 at 8:37 amno I wouldn’t want to imagine jen!
you are so amazing! … words fail me!
truly an example of bravery, inner strength and resilience! in the face of adversity!
I’m sure this outpouring of your journey helps others and is cathartic for yourself!
hot one today hun! … keep cool! love m:)X
Jenni says
February 7, 2015 at 10:30 amI love the writing Merilyn, it helped tremendously! Boat is in the river…togs going on now x
Karen Morley says
February 7, 2015 at 9:47 amJen, how come nobody told us when we were little that life isn’t easy? We thought all we had to do was to grow up, fall in love and live happily ever after…..
It’s a tough place to be on the path you are currently on. My mum had cancer and whilst it wasn’t me, it felt like me.
They say things happen for a reason, that we are only given things that we can deal with. Really? I mean reallyyyyy?? Who says that shit? hehehe.
Hang in there kiddo. I believe that what you are going through now and sharing your very personal story, will help so many others.
Take care baby xxx
Jenni says
February 7, 2015 at 10:26 amThanks Karen I’m out the other side these days (mostly) and life is a gift x
Karen Morley says
February 7, 2015 at 3:47 pmIt sure is my dear xxx
Michelle says
February 8, 2015 at 9:16 amJen… Do you believe in fate? That bizarre word for “shit that just happens because it was going to happen anyway”.
Bizarre at least that our paths have met… You kindly mentioned my business in your latest blog about markets & ironically cancer is the reason Vintage Earth finally came about. The father of my 2 oldest kids is in yr 3 of his diagnosis with Leukaemia. 3 beautiful sisters I went to school with lost their dad to this hideous disease last year… My beautiful best friends mum battled hard with ovarian, lung and bowel cancer… Until we lost her just last December before Xmas. And most recently one of my best friends was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer at aged 36. He is determined to fight this damn disease and his outlook and determination has been nothing short of inspirational. Being a stay at home mum to 4 children… I decided one thing. “Life is too short… Live the life you love.”
My loved ones have made me realise we have just one life, one chance. Smile ever day and know ur happy where u are… Regardless of that word … Fate!! X
Jenni says
February 8, 2015 at 8:00 pmI do believe in fate Michelle…the universe works in so many ways.the further I get into my cancer journey the more people I meet who have been touched by cancer…it’s everywhere. I’m so pleased our paths crossed and hope to see you at the next markets x
Lyn Villiers says
February 9, 2015 at 1:37 amCancer. can’t tell you how much I hate that word. I lost my first baby in the womb 25 years ago, due to having a Hydatidfrom Mole ( type of cancer ) Then five years ago, I lost one of my dear brothers who had non-Hodgkins lymphoma. He first had it when he was just 19 and we went through hell then but thank god, he went into remission until he was 58 and then we lost him but wow, thank god for all those extra, loving years with my brother, you see, I am the youngest of 7 kids at the age of 53. Then just last March, we lost the oldest child of the family, my big brother, never drunk or smoked in his entire life and he got liver cancer, gone within 7 weeks of diagnosis… we can all count loved ones we have lost or people we hove known, that have lost the battle but you know what? We all need to hear the ones who have slayed the dragon! The ones who have stamped their feet and said UP YOURS! There are many survivors out there and we need to hear of them. I know I do.. Cancer? Let’s kick it in the balls and give it the fight of it’s life! Lots of Love and Hugs Jen. xx
Jenni says
February 9, 2015 at 2:30 pmWow Lyn, you’ve certainly had your share of pain. I hear everyone’s stories about the one that died…but rarely thriver stories. I can’t tell you how much strength I get when I hear a thriver story. Maybe people really need to share about those they lost and it helps them and gives them strength…I hope so. Peace and love to you lyn you deserve that x