This is not the blog post I thought I would write when I opened my eyes this morning but, it’s time. Something has been brewing within for months now and it’s been hard to put my finger on what it is. It hasn’t felt bad or scary or even negative. It’s felt like a shift.
Change. It’s a good thing right?
Recently I turned 45, and I felt all the feels at turning another year older. When I was 41 I didn’t think I’d enjoy cake with candles ever again because I had cancer. It’s a shocking and overwhelming thing to receive a cancer diagnosis, an invasive cancer that had doctors giving me a number of 36% survival rates.
It wasn’t only the cancer that invaded my body but also surgeons as they carved me up, drugs pumped through my veins, burns from radiotherapy and thoughts. Swirling, overwhelming, jumbled thoughts of mortality.
There were two things I didn’t want to be when I was given that diagnosis, I didn’t want to be dead or messed up. So, I did all the things the doctors suggested, subjecting my body and my family to sooo much pain and ugly to save my life. I also ‘fell’ into writing.
Writing saved me, saved my sanity. It allowed me to work through the mess of cancer and mortality, allowed me to grow and gave me purpose.
Oh, there’s some people who wish I didn’t air my thoughts. There’s family and other bloggers who have all had their say, some behind closed doors (yes it all gets back to me), wishing I would shut the fuck up about cancer. But, it was MY path, MY body, MY life that was being threatened and I needed to write for ME. Read it or don’t but stop fucking judging me without actually knowing me.
And then, it became bigger than me.
People from around the world contact me daily, letting me know how I gave them strength, I helped them get through their shitty day and their shitty cancer experience.
Families of people with cancer write to me thanking me for opening up, thanking me for giving them the information they crave, thanking me for giving them the tips to be able to help their loved ones.
Nurses and doctors write thanking me for giving them perspective from the patient, they promise to approach their job differently, with more compassion and to be less hurried and impersonal.
Women write to tell me I saved their life. Saved their ACTUAL life! They read my blog post, took notice of the picture I posted on Facebook and went for a mammogram. A mammogram that just wasn’t on their radar but a mammogram that discovered cancer and then plunged them into the same overwhelming and crazy cancer ride I had been on. A mammogram that saved their life.
So, just how could I stop writing about cancer?
I balanced it with styling and positive body image writing…I’m so bloody passionate about positive body image and love fashion so it was a happy balance. For a while. Lately though things have changed, there’s been a shift.
I’ve been making space.
This time of year and throughout the month of October I receive tonnes of invites to attend or speak at cancer morning teas, in the past I’ve accepted. This year though the invites paralysed me. I couldn’t.
The space that was slowly being created included saying ‘no’.
I ‘had’ cancer. I’m ready to create space and move forward. Sure, cancer will always be a part of me until the day I actually die but I’m currently living and I just don’t need to live and breathe cancer any more.
I’m more than happy and proud to be an ambassador for The Hospital Research Foundation and will continue to be involved but I don’t need to say ‘yes’ to everything or everyone. I don’t feel the need to write about cancer all the time.
This is a good thing right?
I don’t feel like I’m turning my back on cancer, naturally I will write and talk about it but just not as much.
I had cancer. I’m not cancer. Cancer happened to me but I’m ok now. I’m doing well and I hope that no matter what has ‘happened’ to you that you are doing well too. It takes time though, there’s a process.
I’m healing and this shift, well this shift feels right. It feels good and healthy and right. My body feels different too, there’s less pain. It’s like I released something from within and with that went some pain, like me holding on so tightly was actually causing me to also hold onto physical pain.
I’m not sure if this is ‘normal’? I wonder if all cancer patients reach this point? Maybe sooner, perhaps later or possibly never?
I’ve made space. I haven’t left cancer behind but the space feels good and it feels right.
Life is good.
Til next time,
Jen x
Bloody Bravo and good fir you. Strong woman that you are. Inspiring and refreshingly honest and real. X
Thankyou Linda x
Beautifully written Jen, it’s your journey, not theirs.
Walk, hop skip or jump, your way.
Thanks Barb. I live to the beat of my own drum x
Proud of you babe xx
I feel proud of me today too Leeanne.
Love your work Jen xx
Thanks gorgeous x
Good for you, you are inspirational! We are more than the shitty things that happen to us in life. They change us and hopefully we learn something new about ourselves from them. Keep on being awesome Jenni.
Thanks Sharon, will do xx
Thankyou so much for this, I only finished my major treatments in March but I am already sick of talking about cancer with people, it is so true that you say I had cancer but I am not cancer!! Down the track I look forward to not thinking about cancer every day, maybe when my hair is back to ‘normal’ it will be easier as it is a constant reminder at the moment. Your blog brought me to tears as everything you say is so true, thankyou for saying how you feel because there will be many of us who feel exactly the same xxx
you’ve got this Bev, here’s to healing on the inside and outside and bright futures xxx
I’m glad you’ve made more space and life is good!
It feels good Ingrid 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing. You have a gift and if it’s not for everyone, then look away. Personally so much of what you post resonates with me and I genuinely appreciate your inspirational words and divine style. I only came across your Instagram account a few weeks ago and love it. I hope you have a great day
Thanks Pauline 🙂 Hope your day is ace too hun x
Good for you Jen. I can see a whole lot of new exciting things for you. So proud of how far you have come xx
I say bring it on Beck 🙂
I’ve never had cancer, though it has touched my life a few times (and continues to do so). I love reading your posts – I am inspired by your strength, your humour and your fashion sense! I will keep reading your posts, no matter what they are about because I feel like we’re friends. Friends don’t judge one another, they listen and empathise, advise and listen some more. Then they sit back and watch you live your own life the way you want to – because that’s what friends do. Love your work Jen x
Jo, that’s beautiful hun. Thanks and I love seeing you pop up. I built this little community through sharing and I just love it x
Spot on Jen. You have it in a nutshell. I appreciate you for you and not because you had cancer it just helps us who have cancer realise that life can go on we are all in the same journey it’s how we live that journey that counts. You are an inspiration in many ways and more space in your life is good for you. Love your work you are awesome.???
Maxine it is all about how we live our life, no matter how much time we have. Nothing is guaranteed right. Thanks for your message hun x
My favourite line in your post Jen- “I had cancer. I am not cancer”
Life would be particularly dull if we kept repeating the same stories, and whilst our past experiences absolutely make up who we have become it doesn’t need to define us- there is always room to grow and learn and change.
I’m about to turn 30…entering a new decade is making me a bit philosophical at the moment ?
Xx L
Cancer will always be a part of my life, just as being a parent, friend, wife, loving cooking and fashion and so much more is. It’s contributed to who I am and possibly who I will become but it’s not all of me.Enjoy your thirties lovely x
Powerful post Jen! I’m so pleased you write on and leave the judgers to their own judgements. This is your internet home – they can either walk through the door and respect it or walk on by. I think those of us touched by our own mortality decide to live our life our way with a side serve of do no harm – and I think you are nailing it. Much love Xx
Oh good one Sandra, wipe your feet and enter or just stroll by. xx
I understand this decision, I didn’t have cancer. My Aunty did, and died. She campaigned, raised money and threw an annual lunch in October. But I just can’t do it any more. I haven’t for years, it hurts my head and my hear and I said no about 10 years ago. We all have to make the right decision for us, and that is ok. It’s more thank ok. Loved seeing you on the ad’s for the longest table, and hearing you on radio, how awesome xxx
Life is ever evolving, it’s not healthy to stand still. It’s healthy to be authentic, honour your soul with conscious actions that serve us and bring us peace. Sorry to read about your aunt Louisa, cancer is a shit. Xx
You rock Jen! I love that you help SO MANY yet this blog is what helped you all along. Can’t wait to see what’s next xx
The blog has been a gift Jo xx
I absolutely love everything you write! I think you are an amazing woman!
And I’m looking forward to finding out what this next shift in your life is going
To be!!!! Please keep us posted!!!! Have fun Doll, you deserve it!!!! Hugs!
Thanks Barb. I’m excited about life xx
I’ve never been through something like this personally but I know from when my mum had her brain tumours it can be extremely consuming, you live and breath it for so long then one day its enough. There’s a time to move on from everything and it sounds like you are being called in a different direction now, good on you for recognising the signs, its not always easy to do.
Keep on shining xo
Thanks gorgeous, the future is bright. X
Jen you are fricken amazing and your determination strength openness and you are beyond words…… I love your page and look forward to reading it everyday. Go You… Much Love xo
Thanks Jane, I’m looking forward to the days and nights ahead xx
Awesome! You are just bloody awesome! You keep it real and don’t sugar coat stuff. You make it okay to not be okay and to be able to work out what is right for our own situation. Take on this new “space” and run with it. I for one, look forward to seeing where this leads you.
It sure is OK to not be ok, not be perfect and polished. I can’t wait to see what happens next either Michelle x
This is wonderful Jen. Well done and thanks for sharing your ongoing journey through the process of survival. X
Thanks Jess, it feels good to be evolving x
Great post Jen, yes I HAD cancer but it’s all over now. I think it’s wonderful that the thing that kept you sane is helping so many others – a win/win situation ?.
Learning to say “no” WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY was one of the big lessons I learned from my own cancer journey, now 8 years in the past. As women we are all too conditioned to put everyone else first and that’s not always a good thing. So it’s onwards and upwards now, Fly, be free ? And keep on doing what you do so well and makes you happy. Cancer does not define us! (And it turned me right off pink everything!)
8 years! I love hearing of those thriver numbers, and I too now baulk at pink, not all the time but it is a little tainted for me now.
Hi Jenni my lovely daughter Bec has told me so much about you.I also have had cancer )non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) cancer is scary and lonely Ian crying as I write this as although my beautiful friends and family went on tha cancer journey a lot is locked up inside.When I was ill protecting my family was paramount didn’t want them to worry about my fears,today is different have been cancer free for 9 years but is refreshing to read your thought.Tears gave stopped time for a cup of tea and chat to my gorgeous daughter to be thankful to still be here for loved ones xx.Chris
Chris you are like so many who hunker down and get through, protecting those they love while bottling up so much. Nine years well is so bloody fantastic and gives others hope? I hope you enjoyed your cuppa and your daughter is a top chick, one of my favourite humans xx
Yes my daughter is very special so lucky to have amazing children,also I think she’s taking your advice adding a bit of colour in her wardrobe.
I so get it!!
Lots and lots of steps forward and a glimpse back every so often.
Spot on xx
Bravo, all in your own time when you are ready. Cancer is a bitch and you have given her enough of your precious time, she also took time from you that you didn’t want to give. Time to enjoy your passion, time to make time for you 🙂 xx
Cancer was also a gift, opening me up to so much and unlocking so much. Growth and perception have been amazing xx
So glad to read this post. Your honesty and openness are truly impressive and your words really resonate. Im really happy for you and applaud the fact that you are ready for another new phase. Good on you!
Thanks Michelle xx
Great post Jen so true,you had cancer but you are not CANCER so happy you’re ready to move on,here’s to new wonderful things to come into your life Xx
Thankyou Lisa xx
I never usually reply to blogs, but this one I felt I had to as I feel like you are a friend and we’ve never met. That’s how your words and your fab fashion posts touch people. You go girl and do what’s right for you. I just got back from my first rehab water session for something other than cancer, but it’s taken me ages to slowly say NO to family commitments and offers of helping them and finally start doing something for myself. Came home and read this and it all felt sooo right! Stay healthy and happy beautiful lady and thank you ?
I love it when a post really speaks to people, Thankyou Marcia. Good on you for honouring your time , body and health xx
Ooh Jenni, I was scared for a minute there that you were giving up the blog! Good on you for creating your space and not being solely defined by an illness you have beaten. Would love to catch up soon when you’re not so flat out!
Oh no, blogging is still happening. It might be different or much of the same but I love writing and sharing. A catchup sounds like an excellent idea. I look forward to it Beth. X
Good for you Jenni!!! It’s your life, your story, your battle, your past, your body and of course your choice. I totally get it. I have a mental illness, but I am not my mental illness. At the moment I’m battling it, having just come home from 3 weeks in hospital, it is currently my daily battle. But when I’m well I don’t like to dwell on the hard parts but rather take joy into that present moment. Sending you a fabulous hug! ?
Lou, I’m sorry to read you’ve been having a shit time. Sending you love hun and hoping there are more well moments coming your way xx
I love your post and blogs Jen! They resonate with me at times and inspire me!
Thank you ?
Thanks Tanya, I appreciate you telling me xx
Good on you Jenni. It’s your blog and you take it where ever you want it to go. x
Thankyou Vicki, wherever that may be I’m sure it will be fine xx
It’s your blog, you write what you want to share. It’s their choice to read it. I had been following your FB page for months before I realised there was a blog and you’d survived cancer. My husband was diagnosed at the same time as I read your cancer story. Your daily posts were a touchstone for me. I kept seeing how well you were doing and how far you’d come. I will read whatever you post! You’re part of my daily routine.
It’s a funny old world Bec, who we connect with and the timing. Thankyou for reading and for your acceptance, I hope your huz is doing well and that together you are making your dreams come true xxx
Well done Jen. After what you have been through you never have to apologise or explain. I wish you and your family all the luck in the world. Keep doing what you are doing because all of us your readers love it.
Thankyou Jan. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive community in styling Curvy. I don’t take it for granted.
I was literally nodding my head reading your blog post. I hear you loud and clear. It’s funny how at some stage after diagnosis we start the negotiation phase. I too was prepared to do whatever it took to beat leukaemia. My rules however were that I would not be defined by it. I was still me, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and then I was someone who had leaukaemia. I also negotiated with myself that I would be content with getting to a stage in my life where I would wave my kids ( who were turning 3 and turning 1 at the time) off on the adventure of a lifetime exploring all the world had to offer to them as young adults. I kept telling myself I did not need to stick around any longer than that stage. No blue rinse in the hair necessary! Now it’s a different story, bugger that. I want to be old, rock the blue rinse in the hair and watch my babies have their own babies!!!! I too have had the shift. It’s liberating. I feel we have won our negotiations.
Ahhh negotiations with the universe…I’ve done that too Michelle. At first it was ‘one more Christmas’, then ‘high school’, and ‘girlfriends’. Now I want to see grandchildren too. Space is good.
I think you’ve totally nailed it. I felt this shift after my diagnoses and treatment too – do you think it’s all part of the process? Cancer changed my life but it certainly doesn’t define me. I’m pleased you’ve found your happy place and have given yourself the space you need. Love your work, lady!
Thanks Sammie, I guess it is part of the process of healing but there’s many factors at play as to how soon a patient gets there…if ever. Long drawn out treatments and surgeries might mean that patients take longer to make space, but I think that whenever they do it will be right for them xxx
You know they say with anything listen to your body and that you just know, and you know that you want to walk on ..looking back but moving forward x I admire your forthright way and your sassy attitude keeping real x
Thanks Veronica I think you nailed it. You can look back while moving forward. Xx
This resonates with me too.
I was asked to speak at 2 Biggest Morning tea events by different friends 300km apart. I drove 4+ hrs to Sydney for one . I did see my Mum and friends too.
I’m happy to eat cake and attend but I’m happier to let others speak now.
I’m happy to eat cake too Trish. I’m stil active in raising awareness but needed to scale back. I don’t need to be able to fix all the problems, contributing what I can when I can is enough. X
I understand perfectly how you feel. When my daughter went through multiple heart surgeries as a baby, I blogged the entire thing. It was my rock, my therapy, my way of distracting me from feeling too much. Once we got her home and doing well… we needed to distance ourselves from it all. From the playgroup for heart babies, from the events, from blogging about it. I can’t explain very well but we just needed to get out of the bubble and live like normal people. In the bubble, there was pain & suffering & fear. We lived that for a long time & just needed to feel something different.
You have every right to move on to the next chapter. Doesn’t mean you won’t revisit, or you won’t look back over that time and reflect. Just means you are taking a brave step forward. Hugs beautiful! Go forth & flourish even more! Xxxxxx
Thankyou Kate, what a full on time that must have been for you and your family! I think that by making space I’ve alleviated the fear. I’m gonna be ok.
Great reading your words on this issue. Well done on stepping into a new happier Jenni. May your days be lighter and kind to you. Very happy for you.
Thankyou so much gorgeous xx
You are amazing Jen x
Thanks lovely x
i had to scroll wayyyyyyyyy down to add my comment, so many encouraging lovely words Jen. Jen, you bloody beauty! I hear you, i felt what you are feeling! do you remember me saying to you, one day you will wake up and forget that cancer was in your life? You will not think about cancer unless someone brings it up and you think, oh shit, thats right, i had it. I am glad. This is such a great step for you, because I agree. It is a cliché but cancer does not define you, does not make you. It is a fucker, and it can go and get fucked because we are here. xoxoxo
Ok, that sounds a bit rambly, but you know what I mean xo
I do remember Barbe. Here I am just over 3 and a half years post diagnosis, soooo much has happened in that time. So much! But, I’m here and to be present I need to let go and make space and I’m good with that. I’ll still be a voice and an advocate but just a little quieter. Thanks Barbe, watching you also gives me strength xx