Man oh man this body of mine has been to hell and back. Over the years it’s had some hard knocks. Sexual abuse fucked with my mind for way longer than I would have liked it to, birthing babies (while amazing) messed with my weight/bladder/confidence and cancer treatment…well, where do I start?
I’ve written loads about cancer treatment and I’m proud to say that mentally I’m in a good space, actually I’m in a really good space. The body though, well she’s going through more changes and I’m having to adjust…again!
This time it’s hormones which is ironic becaue I’ve been in forced menopause since that first bloody round of chemo back in late November 2012. Uh huh, those drugs went into my veins and my lady bits shut up shop, it was NO pubes and NO periods LOL. The pubes grew back, thank goodness (because my vag sans minge freaked me out a little), but the periods have never returned.
Some might celebrate being free of purchasing tampons and dealing with bloat and cramps but I mourned it. Geeez I know, I wanna slap myself after writing that sentence too. But, I did mourn it. I mourned it ALL because it felt like it was just one more thing that cancer took from me ‘before I was ready’.
I was instantly plunged into a forced menopause, no lead up, no ‘getting to know you’ symptoms, it was just BAM! You’re fucked! Oh nooo, not in a ‘horny/steamy’ way either, although there was plenty of heat, I was hot all the freakin time. Sweat became part of my everyday life, day and night the freight train of menopause barelled on and the furnace was stoked, surprisingly by having NO hormones. Oh and did I tell you that the regular medications I have just amplified the side effects? Menopause is a fucking comedian!
The good news is I adapted, I eventually accepted my body and new life and got on with life. I loved the shit outa my body, showed her grattitude and did all the ‘stuff’ to keep the side effects in their box.
Then just before Christmas last year came my tenth (and fingers crossed final) surgery. I signed the forms and backed up again for the blackest of sleeps as the surgeons plunged their tools inside my guts and removed most of my girly bits. The surgery went well, I recovered like a rock star (because I am) and revelled at the thought of never having to sit in a chemo chair every freakin month for a fucking massive needle in my now supersized guts. Never ever!
Yeah, the surgery meant no more monthly injections (just the daily tablets), it’s a gift because the Doc wanted me to do those bloody injections for fifteen years. I know! Fifteen years every single month! Calm your farm Doc.
I perservered and did three years, but then the whole ‘back in a chemo ward every month’ messed with my head and my happy go lucky attitude so I begged the doc to sign the forms and give me permisssion to be carved up once again. He obliged because a menopausal bitch in your office every months is no fun for anyone.
Like I said though, rock star recovery…kinda.
My body is feeling ALL the feels of life without the monthly injection (and girly bits). The pill I take daily is no longer masked by the injection. Side effects are blurred and weird and different and frankly, they’ve been pretty shit.
So I’m focusing on ‘me’. I’m making 2017 about tuning back into me, taking the time to put myself first and hi fiving myself for taking back some power. Sure I’ll keep working and look after my family, I’ll even put some effort into looking after the house…but my priority is me and looking after this body that I’m so bloody fortunate to have.
SO HOW AM I LOOKING AFTER ME?
Thanks for asking 🙂
-working less hours.
-decluttering my whole life
-looking after my diet with portion control and mindful eating.
-putting less crappy and more amazing things into my body
-feeling grattitude
-moving more (not loads but more)
-learning more about food and other amazing products that will benefit me
-cutting myself some slack while also giving myself a good kick up the arse
-being open to new things that will aid me to achieve a healthy body and mind
In a nutshell, I’m giving a damn. Guys, I’m making menopause my bitch!
It’s easy to lose focus and I had kinda done that over the last two years, but the latest surgery and new side effects have jolted me back into reality. Life is short, live it and live it well. Do what needs to be done to afford yourself a quality life.
I’ve also started a private group on Facebook ( I know, I’m doing it again), and started a hashtag #thisishealthierme. The group is a place for everyone to share and feel supported on their journey to a version of their ‘healthier me’. The hashtag is a way for me to share pics of my journey, it keeps me accountable and will be awesome to look back on. The great thing is that anyone can use the hashtag #thisishealthierme and I can follow their journey and hi 5 them…we can all support each other.
If the closed group sounds like something you would like to be a part of then click HERE to join. Oh, and I also have the hashtag #yourbodyconfident, share it when you share your style pics (no matter your size or shape).
So that’s where I’m at, life is everchanging isn’t it? I’m rolling with the twists and turns and determined to live a ridiculously awesome life, be a shame not to really.
til next time,
Jen x
Jasmine McLaughlin says
January 24, 2017 at 6:21 pmAhhh, the BIG M! Yep, tough, my Mum thought she was ‘fine’ and breezed through it! She was awful. My sisters and I laugh about it now but it sure fucks with emotions and behaviour. The de clutter, me time, looking after health is something I am seeing across the board with bloggers, women and especially women around our age. Good luck x
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:06 pmI’m pretty sure my huz cringes when I say I’m doing fine too:-) #notbreezingthroughit
Jan says
January 24, 2017 at 6:30 pmYou are so aspirational. I love that you are making yourself a priority. Putting your own needs, wants and dreams first is not being selfish. I wish you a year filled with live laughter and happiness.
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:10 pmThanks Jan I appreciate that x
Heather Hooper says
January 24, 2017 at 6:32 pmYour amazing! !!
I love your brutal honestly the way you say things reminds me of ME!!
Keep doing what your doing your great at it!!
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:11 pmThanks Heather and I will do 🙂
Jennifer says
January 24, 2017 at 6:54 pmFrom one Jen to another I feel ya sister, at nearly 52 (next month) the internal furnace has been a bitch for me for the last couple of years. Blood tests show that all my hormonal levels are “normal” in fact the GP suggested they are those of a woman at least 10 years younger than me. Pffft yeah right! Have one of them try ad sleep in my body for a night.
I’m getting rid of all the negative stuff in my life this year…food, alcohol, mess, clutter and replacing it with all that is good and nourishing. I have to get my shit together because I have an 8yo son (yep had a baby at 43) and that’s when my body started rebelling LOL. But my body and I we are both back on the same page again and I have promised to love her to bits!
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:13 pmYou will get there Jen x
Cheekie says
January 25, 2017 at 10:57 amI relate to all you say and thank you both for your honesty and I too and focussing on myself despite the hot nights that render me illogical and weepy and it takes all my energy to smile and do a decent job at work the next morning…not everyday but enough to derail me in general . Fortunately my husband and children have adapted… and are supportive. My biggest thing has been to accept it as part of the lifecycle and not attach too many negative connotations (wise advice from a darling girlfriend who went through the hot flush wars a year ahead of me). I send positive, cooling vibes to all us ladies going through menopause and look forward to sharing your journey.
PS Come to Melbourne Jen, I have a prosecco waiting for you!
Alison says
January 24, 2017 at 7:04 pmYou’re a bloody ripper chick! You know that right?! Just when I needed a good old kick up the patootie to remind myself that I need to look after me a bit better (a lot better), there you are with a great post to read. Stress kickstarted my man-oh-pause about 8 years ago and I thought that I’d be over it by now, but no. On and on and on it goes. I remember my mum almost begging us to “throw her into the looney-bin” when I was in my teens. Now I know why!! : – } All I can say is thank god for air conditioning!
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:15 pmOh man YES, air con is the best. 8 years is a long time, I hope it ends soon for you x
Jacquelyn says
January 24, 2017 at 7:14 pm🙂 keep doing the “high jumps/leaps of joy’ though Jen – they are pretty awesome, and count as moving!
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:51 pmwill do
Kellie says
January 24, 2017 at 7:34 pmI’m almost 49, had a hysterectomy at 32 (but still have my ovaries). My ovaries are unreliable little suckers, trying to pump out the last little bit of oestrogen they have in store! I can sometimes feel when I ovulate, I still get sore boobs when it should be my period, and I still get a migraine a week before ‘my period’. None of this, however is predictable, some months it’s the boobs, some months it’s the ovary pain, sometimes it’s two migraines a month….and NOW I HAVE THE HOTS!!! Not for a man, but I get randomly hot, flushed, sweaty…. day or night. My poor Mum has been in menopause for 20 odd years, using patches at first and now gel, I do not love this idea, so I’m trying to hold off for as long as I can, but really….. is it hot or is it just me???
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:53 pmHaha….it’s hot!
Donna says
January 24, 2017 at 7:51 pmJenni the more I read about you the more I am inspired. You crack me up with your witty writing. You have come through all this horrible illness stronger. I know we don’t see your down days but I am sure there are many. You inspire so many by just writing about your life. Your new group you have started is pretty amazing. I have never felt so pumped before. I hope life continues to treat you well lovely lady beacause after all that you have been through, you freakin deserve it.
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:55 pmI love the new group too Donna, sooo much goodness 🙂
Karen says
January 24, 2017 at 8:08 pmJenni, these ladies have pretty much said everything that I felt while reading this blog..
Ladies love ❤️ you because you give us hope !
Thank you for sharing so much of you !..x
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 10:56 pmThanks so much Karen…sharing is caring 🙂
Linda sindoni says
January 24, 2017 at 9:14 pmHi Jen love your honesty about menopause-I’m going through it as well and am trying to stay positive and happy-had to teach myself about all the changes by reading, googling and talking to other women because NO One wants to talk about it. Iam also learning to look after ME , and as Judge Judy said in her book- ‘you are the trunk of the tree and your husband kids grandies friends and all others are your branches’. Look after the trunk and your tree will flourish. Thanks for your positive outlook.????
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 11:00 pmOh I like that!
Pau says
January 24, 2017 at 9:39 pmYour girly bits might be gone Jen, but you’ve still got balls!
Much luv
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 11:02 pmoh thanks
Eda Dal-Corobbo says
January 24, 2017 at 10:03 pmBeen going through the big M for 13 years now (started at 38) and think I’m starting to see light at the end of a very long tunnel….down to only a couple of issues but these are the hardest ones to control because of previous health & repoductive issues have not been able to take most medications, but treat each sympton and cope. Glad you are taking time for you-with your family grown it is easier to make a priority. I still have quite a few years before my children are grown, but will live vicariously through you! (Kiddos 15, 12 &6)
Jenni says
January 25, 2017 at 9:12 amDon’t wish those kiddy years away…I misss those days x
Caitlin | Twist of Cait says
January 24, 2017 at 10:25 pmI love your outlook Jen and it sounds like you’ve got the path to getting you back all sorted, I’m part of the fb group and am excited to join in and cheer you on!
Ps: fuck menopause
Jenni says
January 24, 2017 at 11:03 pmI’m excited to see you in there Caitlyn xxx
kathryn says
January 25, 2017 at 5:05 amOh boy menopause. I struggled big time with it, all of a sudden I starting getting hot flushes. Every few minutes for weeks and weeks. Then the night sweats. And I mourned the fact that there would be no more babies, even though I would have never wanted another one. I felt like I had turned old suddenly. It played with my head for a long time. I went to an amazing female GP who had been through it all, she told me if I accepted the changes it would be easier. She was right of course but bloody hell it was hard for a long time. After six years the hot flushes are gone. Great post Jen, and I love your thoughts.
Jenni says
January 25, 2017 at 9:16 amMy night sweats were far worse while doing chemo, much better thesedays thank goodness 🙂
Rach says
January 25, 2017 at 5:46 amThe big M is here for me too, and it is awesome to read your post and feel some solidarity. I have another gynae surgery next week, I’ve been wondering if depression is a part of Menopause, I feel different in myself. Crying all the time, anxious about stuff that didn’t bother me before, and sometimes darker thoughts than I am used to. Just tired of all the issues.
Thanks for writing about this stuff.
And what is with the minge changes? Jeeepers. My dark lush lady garden is gone! And not in a sexy brazilian kinda way. I’m now a fluffy grey blonde sparse rockery down there. Never thought I’d miss my bush! bahaha. But I do.
Jenni says
January 25, 2017 at 9:18 amOh, I hear ya on the ‘rockery garden’ Rach 🙂 Yeah, the mood swings are pretty shit too, something I haven’t had for ages and i’m not a fan.
LouisaG says
January 25, 2017 at 8:44 amWell done you Jenn, peri-menopause hit me in March last year. and whoa nelly, what a freakin shock to the system! I’ve managed it with Clary Calm essential oil blend. if I don’t roll those oils, I’m a cranky MOFO hot mess! Moving more, eating more mindfully and clearing the clutter and simplifying have all helped too. Glad you have found your way, When your mind nod is so freakin confused. Did you have confusion?
Jenni says
January 25, 2017 at 9:20 amOh the confusion and forgetfulness is real Louisa. Mine feels even more amplified because the knock on effect from treatmentis the same. Some days i struggle to find words and procrastination is part of everyday life.
Maxine kelly says
January 25, 2017 at 2:05 pmWell Jen can totally relate. My first cancer six years ago was uterine cancer stage two. Was sent to a professor in Brisbane and he performed radical hysterectomy removal of all my lady parts and lymph nodes thus leaving me with lyphodema in my legs. Yep straight into menopause coped with that the lymphodema is harder to deal with. I found the removal of my womanhood affectedYes I agree that the 2 units have to go in your name I will organize that me more even though I was 54 it played with my head for a long time. Then just when I thought yes she might just beat this three years later bowel cancer stage 3 just gone into some muscle on the right side so had to have the right side of my bowel removed and more lymphnodes. This surgery has really knocked me around luckily I choose not to have radiation and the surgeon was confident he got it all was a large tumour. It has taken me till now three years later to again get my fighting spirit back I know it is hard for family and friends but I have found the changes in my body and mind very hard to deal with constant pain things not working right as you know but through your blogs and constant posts you have helped new yourself get a new perspective on me and I am trying my best to be kinder to me. The better food and smaller portions are a must because over the last three years have put on too much weight have started to get my groove back done a couple of walks this week have shed some fat . So thank you from the bottom of my heart.???
Maxine kelly says
January 25, 2017 at 2:24 pmHave no idea what the line about the units is must have hit wrong button please ignore that line.