I never daydreamed about being a Mum, never imagined or planned the perfect wedding in my head and never thought about beginings and endings. Life was just life, until the day I peed on a stick and BAM I had a bun in the oven.
I was a young Mum (by todays standards) delivering our first son at twenty three, but you know what…it just felt right, I loved my husband madly and loved both my kids before I met them, and I will love them all until I take my last breath…and beyond.
Having kids felt like the natural progression in our relationship for the huz and I. Raising our boys we didn’t have much outside intervention, we brought up our boys with love, intuition and on a wing and a prayer. That’s right, we pretty much just winged it.
Now our boys are nineteen and twenty two and Motherhood is incredibly different. Gone are the days of milky breath snuggles, 2am feeds and showering with a pram in the bathroom because your kid had to see you every single freakin minute of every single freakin day.
Mid morning strolls to the local playground are a memory, playdough pizzas and hot wheels tracks that go on forever, something I miss. Delivering fresh baked biscuits and sausage rolls to blanket forts constructed with dining chairs and pegs are a memory that still make me smile.
Even though I was rushing for my kids to hit the milestones like rolling over, talking, walking and ball kicking my boys grew up too fast. What I now know is that life is what happens on the way to the ‘milestones’. Memories are made from rituals and living life in the slow lane.
Kids struggle to be kids these days but parents struggle too. Both are under pressure and over scheduled. Making space to be in the moment and really feel each stage can be difficult, but it’s so important. Before you know it your kids go from bedtime stories finnished off with shadow puppets to coming home at 5am and sleeping all day.
I loved all the stages of my boys childhoods, sure some had challenges but mostly they were good and easy . Then they hit teenage years and the challenges became bigger and the distance wider, it should have been a dead giveaway to me that the last stitches in the apron string were ready to snap but I was holding onto it for dear life, not ready to let go.
But here’s the thing, from the very day my babies exited my body and entered the world, I’ve been letting go. I just didn’t realize it. Mumming is a gift and a joy and sure it’s filled with sunshine and lollipops but it’s also tireing, overwhelming, heartbreaking, nerve wracking and looong.
Yes, Mumming goes on forever! Whether your children are in your arms, by your side, on the other side of the world or in the playground in the sky being a mum is a forever gig. Managing the different stages of forever Mumming, now that’s the challenge.
These days Mumming is different, sometimes my kids who are now men frustrate the shit outa me and on other days my chest bursts with pride at the decent humans they are. I have had to step back and at times shutup. I have to turn a blind eye, tune out and I really have to stop judging and wanting to be right. I also have to stop saying ‘what the fuck’ and giving them the middle finger.
But now there’s a void, an imaginary line that I can no longer cross. Once I was a Mum who knew all and could fix all but now things are different.
For me, I struggle between wanting to know their every move and not wanting to know. Wanting them to eat their greens and then giving in and buying bloody sustagen because they won’t eat anything but noodles and Villis pies at 2am. I want them to be safe, nutritionally balanced, clean, safe, well rested, independant, SAFE and…happy.
What I really want is for them to be ‘happy’. We say that but it’s not until our world and family was rocked by my illness did we really understand the importance of happiness. I spent years wanting my kids to be bigger, brighter and better and what I know now is all they need is to be happy. You can be bigger, brighter and better but if you’re not happy then you have nothing. Kids will get there, they will become confident adults and succeed in life if and when they are happy.
So while I’m in struggletown adjusting to this stage of Mumming I know this is exactly how it’s meant to be. I’m gonna be ok, and so will they. Soon enough we will enter a different stage and they will fly the nest and the huz and I will be a couple on our own once again. Then there will be grandkids and extended families and Mumming will change…again.
One thing that will never change is the joy I receive from being a Mum and the love I have for my boys. It’s an honour being their Mum.
Til next time,