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NAVIGATING YOUR TEENS RELATIONSHIPS

By 47 Comments

I’m a Mum, I bloody love being a mum but it’s not a title I hang my hat on. I’ve always embraced motherhood and immersed myself in the role but I’m at a stage in life where things, they are a changin. My relationships with my boys is changing!

These days my children aren’t little, nuh uh. One is a teen and the other in his 20’s and at 6’4 he towers over me. They have deep voices and make very grown up decisions and at times they have more money in their bank account than me. True!

Those chubby cheeked, hot wheels totin boys went and grew up and now they are men. I know right! Men with real cars and jobs and facial hair even. Oh, and girlfriends!

Yeah, they are doing that ‘other’ grown up thing and are dating,grown up relationships! They are both punching above their weight in the girlfriend department but hey, love is love❤️

In fact today is pretty special, one son is celebrating a whole year with his partner and the other son is not far behind in the ‘milestones of love’ celebrations. To put this into perspective, I was engaged to the Huz after just 5 months! After 24 years together he still makes my toes curl and heart smile.

I’m not saying my lads need to get on bended knee and exchange bling, just that…well, things can change and I’m ready.

BUT WHAT IF?…

When the sons first announced they were dating I flew into protective mama mode asking ALL the questions, giving ALL the advice, worrying about ALL the things. All the things that could go wrong….

What if there was an unplanned pregnancy?
What if they only ever dated their ‘first love?
What if she broke his heart?
What if he went away and never came back?
What if he changed?
What if she doesn’t like us?
What if she wasn’t good enough?

So many freakin ‘what ifs’, and who gets to decide if your life decisions are ‘wrong’ anyway. Guess what? Not me!

I gotta tell you, as the months went on I stopped looking for what could go wrong and took more notice of what was going right.

My boys smiled more, they took more notice, looked after themselves better. They cared more about more things.

Right before my eyes my boys were experiencing ‘all’ the things, and that made me smile.

One year down the track and I’m settled, some might say I ‘settled the fuck down’. These boys of mine are doing fine, they’ve got their heads and hearts in the right place.

I’m doing fine.

I trust that while raising them the huz and I did some actual good and have given them the tools to navigate the start of their adult life. I trust that while I was wingin it in the parenting department I didn’t screw them up too much.

I love these girls that make my boys giddy.

I care for these girls that show my boys love.

I trust these girls that are sharing their hearts and lives with my boys.

They’re great girls!

It’s easy to be the Mum who judges your kids partners, finding wrong in everything and creating drama that hurts hearts and divides families. Easy but selfish.

Sure, they are definitely going to make mistakes and give you reason to worry but that’s life, we’ve had the opportunity to live it and make the mistakes and now it’s time to step back and allow them to live it. They need to, to grow and blossom.

When we are starting out as adults we don’t always get it right, we say dumb things, wear questionable fashion, do daggy drunk dancing, give dirty looks. We’re selfish and sometimes rude. We’ve all been there and our kids and their partners will go there too.

I don’t need to mother them in the same way I have always done all of these years, it’s time for me to be a spectator. I just need to be there when needed and just love the shit outa them.

At first I worried that my boys would settle down with their ‘childhood sweetheart’, surely they needed to have a few relationships? But then I read the beautiful words that local business woman Lucy Cornes of ‘She Shopped‘ writes about her childhood sweetheart and I find comfort. He’s her husband these days, father to her children and bestie, and that shows me that it’s all ok, because love is love❤️

Whether they marry their first, endure several heartbreaks or navigate life solo it’s ok. They will be ok.

I reckon we never stop worrying about our kids, but how we choose to handle the worry is what can make or break relationships with adult children. I made them, wiped their snotty noses, cheered for them, guided them and then….I released them into the world.

I may be their mum and at one stage might have been their absolute world but it’s time for me to pass the baton. It’s time for another woman to be the keeper of their story.

Their hearts are big enough for ALL the love. And so is mine.

A few years ago I pleaded with doctors to save my life so I could see my kids graduate high school. I cried bucket loads, thinking I would never get to see my boys giddy in love.

I silently mourned that I would never see grandchildren. Then the darnedest thing happened, I’m still here and doing well.

More than that, I’ve let go of expectation and control. I’ve even let go of having the picture perfect life. What is that even anyway?? Instead I’ve embraced living and loving in the moment.

It’s a game changer!

Maybe one day I’ll be the ‘mother in law’ or even a Grandma, right now though I’m Mum and enjoying being the spectator.

Love is love ❤️

Have you gone through this with your own kids? Relationships, heartache?  Any advice?

til next time,

Jen X

Comments

  1. You have the right attitude to girlfriends Jen , and yes it is a blessing if they are lucky enough to choose the one that will make their life content. But sometimes it goes pear shape and only those on the outside can see it, so from experience just buckle up and never let them forget how much you love them and wait it out and with time all the ground work that you instilled as a little one will rise to the top and they will work it out …time is all it needs x

    Reply

    • It might go pear shaped Veronica, so many relationships do. I figure it’s not my life to live, I have my life. All those experiences we have (especially the tough ones) make us who we are. I hope it doesn’t go pear shaped but I’m always here for them xx

      Reply

  2. How timely this blog is. My Master 16, almost 17, has just started going out with his very first gf. He came home from World Youth Day in Poland with said gf. It is pretty much the first thing he told us. My thoughts went straight to the gf was from the other side of the world but thankfully she is a gorgeous Maltese girl from Penrith (western suburb of Sydney). He has seen her every weekend since they have been back and our whole family love her, especially Miss 10 and Miss 7.
    I am like you Jen, I haven’t been through such a traumatic event as you, but I have come to terms with the good, the bad and the ugly of life over the last 12 months and I am happy to sit back and love him and be there if she should break his heart but if she is the only one he ever loves I am happy for that too.

    Reply

  3. You have the perfect attitude! You understand the true meaning of love and what it means to let them make their own lives while living yours. You just need to be there and keep being the accepting loving person you are. I am truly envious and trust that I will act the same with my daughters when the time comes. Xxx

    Reply

    • Stepping back and watching them truly grow is a beautiful thing. Sometimes my heart hurts for them but that’s my lesson x

      Reply

  5. Im a proud Mum, Step-Mum and Grandmother All my now-adult 6 children have of course run the gauntlet of Love And there have been many crashes & ugly moments but I aim to always respect their choices and treat their partners as a welcome Friend Seeing your offspring smiling and happy in their lives is the best thing ever

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  7. Beautiful post. My son and his girl will exchange bling in just over six weeks.
    Not his first GF of teenage angst with almost 4yrs of it.

    They are 22 & 23 almost the same age my husband and I were.
    Sadly many of my friends and people I know – don’t step back when their children choose a partner.

    “It’s easy to be the Mum who judges your kids partners, finding wrong in everything and creating drama that hurts hearts and divides families. Easy but selfish.”

    Far too many parents just interfere.
    It’s not about us anymore. I love your loving wisdom in the whole post.

    PS I am totally envious of my future daughter-in-law – 127,000 instagram followers. She isn’t a celebrity either – well except she is on instagram,

    Reply

    • How exciting!!! I was 23 when I got married and age never came into it for me, I was in love and still am.

      I think we are incredibly lucky if we can hold onto our children while they are children but when they are adults we need to release those apron strings.

      I can’t wait to see what’s next!!

      That’s a massive IG account your future DIL has, what’s her handle? I’ll look her up

      Reply

  8. i think you have it nailed Jen,by being a spectator and just loving your boys and being there if they need you! I’ve been through this and now I’m a grandma… Respecting your children’s choices and being there if they need you is the best advice,respecting their choices and letting them choose their path in life!

    Reply

  9. Love is love at whatever age…my husband was my first and only love, I was 12 and he was 13. Crazy right! We are both now in our 50’s, have been married 31 years and have 2 beautiful daughters, one lovely son and 4 grand babies. You’re doing exactly the right thing, for your sons. The path to love for my children has been a bit bumpy at times but every bump has taught them something they needed to learn and brought us closer together. I look forward to the day they are all as happy with their partners as I am.

    Reply

  10. Raising boys is not easy. They go through a lot of weird growth stages, especially when puberty kicks in. Then there’s the recognition of the female form, and thinking they are in love at 12 years of age.
    As a Mum of two boys, now aged 37 and 41 I’ve seen it all! And bugga me it’s happening all over again with my almost 13 year old grandson.
    I’ve lived through some cringe worthy girlfriends with a smile plastered onto my face when I all I wanted to do was scream “Get out of my sons life!”
    Then there were the ones who broke my precious boys hearts and left them gutted and crying. All I wanted to do then was go after them with a pick axe and show them that they messed with the wrong Mamma!
    So I smiled through tears when one sons marriage lasted 12 months (too young too immature) and I supported and nurtured and cooked favourite meals until the scars healed and he could smile again.
    Then came youngest son who lost years in the darkness and despair of drugs,and girls I’d rather forget, and my heart broke for his wasted life. But smiled again when he clawed his way out of the darkness with the strength and support of a wonderful girl. The same girl he is engaged to 7 years later. They have travelled and co parented his son and he is an amazing father.
    My eldest son met and married another girl who mended his broken heart and gave me two precious grandchildren.
    As Mums we can only be there to pick up, listen, nuture, and help them smile through life’s trials.
    Life is good and we are all smiling.

    Reply

  13. Love this Jenny. I’m at the other end of the spectrum with young kids. I can’t imagine them dating yet with them being so little. But the time does pass quite quickly doesn’t it?
    P.S. I reckon you’d be a freaking fabulous mother-in-law and grandma and I’m so pleased that you can see your boys happy in love. x

    Reply

  14. I’m also a mum of 2 boys (15 & 17). Master 17 had “girlfriends” one after the other from year 7 to year 9. On his 15th birthday he started dating a gorgeous girl that we welcomed into our family life. A few month ago, not long after celebrating 2 years together, they broke up. I was devastated for a few days as I was so used to her being a part of our family – but I had also wondered at times if it would turn into a high school sweethearts forever scenario, or if it would just be a part of their life journey. We have all moved on and things are great – master 17 is mostly focussed on the rest of year 12 (though there are a few girl “friends” who pop in for visits after school and on weekends) but I don’t think he’s in a major hurry to have anything serious for a while.
    Being the only female in an all male household (even the pets are male) I love having the boy’s female friends in the house – it just changes the atmosphere and gives me someone to chat about girly stuff with. I’ve also been here for chats when things have been hard at home or school for them. I’m a huge advocate for telling teenagers to make the most of their time with their parents – don’t waste it on arguments. My mum died when I was 17 and I’d been a difficult teen, so I spent 2 years at boarding school and missed out on so much time with her – and then one day she was gone….
    I also hope to be a mother in law and grandma one day (no hurry) and want to be a great MIL after 18 1/2 years of trying to please my ex husband’s mother. ?

    Reply

  15. Thanks for the tears Jen. Mine are much younger but I can’t bear to think when I won’t be their number 1. I know it’s inevitable but I hope I can deal with it as gracefully and accepting as you are

    Reply

  16. This is so heartwarming to read. You will be a beautiful MIL one day.
    My poor husband really struggled with the boyfriend / girlfriend arriving in the scene. I was thrilled that my child found someone special, it reminded me of the heady days with my boyfriend -now 25yrs plus husband.
    It’s all about love & that’s a beautiful thing. I better stop as getting teary.
    Love your work. If you come to Melbourne, I will be the first to buy you some bubbles as thanks.

    Reply

  17. It is so important for me to be supportive of my children’s choice in partners. I didn’t have that when I married my husband 31 years ago. Thankfully I do have it now! So with my children’s partners, I love them because they show tremendous love to my children. As I get to know them, I love them for so much more than that. As a Mum there is not greater joy for me to have us all around our table, just being together. Real joy. When we are having a meal, eating off each other’s plate, discussing anything and everything, laughing, telling stories and enjoying each other’s company. Thanks Jenni, I am glad to hear your story and very happy I found you and this community! Xx

    Reply

  19. I wish that I could feel like you.
    I have two sons – one I have not seen in 13 years and he lives with a paraplegic , so no grandchildren in that relationship, and the other 35 yo who lives in Sydney is living with a 46 year old woman. So no grandchildren there. In fact I refuse to see her as she tried to commit suicide earlier this year when he tried to break it off with her, and he has gone back to her.
    I tell him he will never know the love of a parent for their child as he will not have children – yes one day if they break up, but she knows she is on a good wicket – he owns his unit so there she stays.
    When you raise children you visualise your life ahead, maybe a wonderful daughter in law and grandkids, and dream of their future being wonderful – I sit and ponder now. But I have to let them be and do their own thing – I am 63, divorced and have no partner, so I live my life and enjoy what I enjoy.

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  20. I’m an ‘almost 40’ older mum
    With a ‘just turned’ one year old son.. And have been cleaning the snotty nose all week for my little buddy with a cold, This seems so far away yet so poignant as all I wish for in the future is his happiness and hopefully for me to still be here , healthy enough to enjoy it and help him launch into the crazy grown up world of love xxx congrats on your beautiful men

    Reply

  21. I have been married for 36 years now
    I have been with my husband for 41 years. We met when o wss 14 and he was 15. High scholl sweethearts. We have gad lots of ups and downs but i cant imagine my lofe wifh out him

    Reply

  22. Yep been through my girls growing up, falling in love and marrying their ‘one and only’. Both girls married their ‘first love’.
    One has been married 28 years ( I was a VERY young mum) and the other only married 10 years but it took them 12 years to get there. The eldest met her husband at work when 19 the youngest met hers when in middle of high school.
    Both are happy and have 2 amazing children each.

    I too married my ‘one and only’ unfortunately after 28 years we broke up, when I told my mum her words were, “told you it would never last”, grrrrrrr

    Reply

  23. Hi Jen
    Am new to following you and loving it. Have just had my 28th Wedding anniversary we were engaged after 9 months and married 9 months later. My in laws never like or accepted me in fact were mean. I swore I would never be like that. My 25 & 24 yo boys have made excellent selections in partners, I love these girls as if they were my own and am super proud. My daughter was much harder, she selected an abusive low life but I had to learn to still not get involved and that she had to see she was better than that, she has an eating disorder which came from his abuse but now she has after 2 years finally walked away and now as a good mum I will pick up the pieces and get her back on track.
    Thanks for your posts Jen and letting us share.

    Reply

  24. Both of my children are in serious relationships. My daughter (21) met her b/f when she was only 15. My husband & I absolutely adore her b/f and feel like we have watched him grow up too given he was only 16 when they met. They live together now and are both studying at university. I fully expect them to be together forever and a day as they are two peas in a pod. My son (19) has been with his g/f for about six months. She’s a gorgeous girl but I do worry about him as he is the more sensitive of my two kids and gets really attached to people. If they were to break up, he would just be devastated.

    It’s my aim to be a great mother in law. I don’t have one myself so I hope to be one that is respectful and will help out when needed without interfering.

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  25. It was the hardest period for me, I have three boys, the eldest is now married and we have the most gawgus grandson, and my Daughter in law is the most amazing person I love her to bits! They live across from us on the farm.
    Number 2 son has moved in with his partner and they live down the road on the farm.
    My baby is 17, 6 foot and neverending… lives with us and I cherish every min.
    I too have realised we can’t do much about this period in life, and can see we gave them the tools to use and bought them up with respect to all females, and the love I have for them, well there is just no words!
    As mums and dads, we are always there.
    Love and peace ❤️✌?️
    JM

    Reply

  26. Fantastic to read your blog Jen as I’m going through this at the moment with my 2 who are 17 and 19..
    19 year old has moved out with his girlfriend and at first both my hubby and I got our backs up because we could see the worst for them.
    Not wanting to lose our son we have made the decision to back off and let him decide for himself.
    It’s ok to move out but make sure you have enough behind you before you do…
    It’s hard as a parent but like you said, it’s their life now and they need to make their own decisions but still let them know we are here when it turns to crap……

    Reply

  27. I have been with my husband since i was 14 and he was 15. 42 years together and coming up to 36 years married. He is my life. We have 3 adult kids. One married to a beautiful girl and expecting their first child June next year, my youngest son has announced he is gay, he is 21 and does have a lovely partner. and my daughter has just split from her partner after 7 years. They never ever fought, they both moved to Sydney. He is studying to be a doctor and she is studying to be a vet. Both were so happy. This time last year they had their little car packed to the hilt, found a gorgeous apartment near syd uni. Then all of a sudden i get a phone call. Mum we have just broken up. I still dont know why. Its hard for us. For 7 years he was like another son. I didnt worry about Soph thinking she was safe in syd with him there. It still breaks my heart. Its not my relationship but shit its hard. Its hard work being a mum. All we can do is be there for our kids when needed. There heart breaks and so does yours. Thats part of living your kids. You feel their paon, but you also feel their love and joy. I hope your boys continue to be happy, i know they will, just look who they have standing with them YOU. x

    Reply

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