Recently I’ve had a few readers contact me with the devastating news that their loved ones or friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Every time I hear that news it takes me right back to the day I was diagnosed and wishing I knew then what I now know.
These people have reached out to me because they want to know how to best help their loved ones. Well how long is a piece of string? Too long, so I’m going to give you 10 tips to help someone with a cancer diagnosis.
These tips can be translated to helping anyone but are written from my experience. From time to time I’ll do more posts with more tips so stay tuned.
1. Don’t pretend that cancer isn’t happening. Use the word ‘cancer’, ask your loved one if they want to talk about it.
2. If you don’t know what to say that’s ok. Ask, “so where are you at in your treatment?”…or “how’s today?”, ” would you like to talk about it?”
3. It’s ok to cry, it’s also ok for your loved one to cry. Tears come n go sometimes the floodgates open and other times just a few tears. Tears are just emotion bubbling to the surface and believe me they’re better out than in.
4. Organise a cooking roster because the last thing someone with cancer wants to do is cook. If they have school age kids it’s a great way to get the school community involved because everyone wants to be able to help. Families can also work out a roster. Make sure to check if their taste buds have changed or if mouth ulcers affect what they can or can’t eat.
5. Organise for groceries to be delivered. One of the hardest things I found was a loss of independence when I couldn’t drive, at times for stretches of 8 weeks. Thankfully friends picked me up and took me to the shops but online groceries is definitely something that helps. If you live interstate this is a good gift or pop a supermarket voucher in the mail.
6. Organise a house cleaner. It’s something I couldn’t bring myself to do. Eventually we hired one just as I was starting radiotherapy and kept her for 6 months…I wish I had hired her at the very start because I really could have used her through chemo.
7. If you have a holiday house or know of someone who does then be a doll and lend it out. Time together and making memories is essential and precious. For me I had to give up my job which meant losing my salary so holidays on the cheap certainly help when money is tight.
8. Losing your breasts is a blow to our femininity and your self esteem takes a battering. Give the gift of a pretty cotton dressing gown or girly pyjamas. Nail polish, hand creams, lip gloss will be appreciated too.
Here’s a tip…the darker the nail polish the better if going through chemo in summer. It helps prevent nails falling off so go all out and try black polish but be careful of standards at nail salons as cuts or nicks are a portal for infection. I had a friend come to my house one day and give me a pedicure on the back lawn…now that’s love.
9. Help your friend to get it all out…the thoughts and emotions. I purchased the prettiest mint green leather journal even though I had never ever journaled. I had cards with inspiring words, candles and crystals in a little corner of my lounge and it all helped me to get my thoughts out so they didn’t eat me later.
10. Plan girly catch ups even if they are for medical appointments. Having someone or something to look forward to makes a difference. My friend came to all my chemo rounds with me and my mister, afterwards my mister would head to work and my friend and I would head out for a long lunch. We practically ate our way around Adelaide.
There’s 10 tips but I’ve got many more. I hope it helps, whatever you do…don’t be absent because that hurts. If your friend or family member can face their mortality and bat up for treatment week after week then put your big girl pants on, put a smile on your face and be there…hold her hand, make her laugh and tell her she’s pretty even when she has no hair or eyebrows. Life is short…have no regrets.
Sam says
February 15, 2015 at 9:11 amLove these tips……hope I never have to use them but good to know I have them tucked away.xxxx
Jenni says
February 15, 2015 at 9:24 amIt’s good to be empowered and have info x
BarBe says
February 15, 2015 at 9:29 amAll great tips xo
Jenni says
February 15, 2015 at 2:57 pmTHANKYOU gorgeous xx
Marilla says
February 15, 2015 at 12:19 pmYay, as a fellow young BC survivor I echo these thoughts!
Re the nightie or gifts of clothes, make sure they are front opening so they are easy to put on! And in a natural fibre so they are comfy. You won’t believe how hard it is to find stylish front opening clothes until you have to go buy them!
The number one thing for me was ” just be there” whether in person, via text or phone or Skype or snail mail. The best and most motivational times were shared with friends. The hardest loss for me were the couple of friends who I previously thought were very close, but who disappeared totally for me. I’ve never repaired that either as our lives moved so far apart during and afterwards.
Best wishes to anyone who finds themselves in this situation and a patient or friend or carer.
Marilla says
February 15, 2015 at 12:19 pmYay, as a fellow young BC survivor I echo these thoughts!
Re the nightie or gifts of clothes, make sure they are front opening so they are easy to put on! And in a natural fibre so they are comfy. You won’t believe how hard it is to find stylish front opening clothes until you have to go buy them!
The number one thing for me was ” just be there” whether in person, via text or phone or Skype or snail mail. The best and most motivational times were shared with friends. The hardest loss for me were the couple of friends who I previously thought were very close, but who disappeared totally for me. I’ve never repaired that either as our lives moved so far apart during and afterwards.
Best wishes to anyone who finds themselves in this situation as a patient or friend or carer.
Jenni says
February 15, 2015 at 2:57 pmYes Marilla it’s tough going to find loose clothes that are easy to get on and off and funky or pretty front opening pyjamas. Re people not being there the gulf is hard to repair…you’d hope that people will be by your side in your darkest hours. X
merilyn says
February 16, 2015 at 12:57 pmmost helpful info thankyou jen!
I know some of these things because of my mother!
often people just don’t know what to say or do! … it’s uncomfortable territory
for the onlooker for many reasons! mainly fear I suspect!
I hope you feel well very soon lovely one! sending love m:)X
merilyn says
February 16, 2015 at 12:59 pmlove your saying on insta lol yes new boots! mx
Jenni says
February 16, 2015 at 4:52 pmHaha, any excuse for new boots x
Jenni says
February 16, 2015 at 4:51 pmIt is uncomfortable territory Merilyn, that’s why we need to demystify it x
Chrissy says
February 16, 2015 at 1:48 pmThanks Jen! Just what I need! I’ve cried with her and talked about a pretty dark place she’s recently been. I’m gutted that she feels so very desperate and there is so very little we can do but love her thru it and try and keep her safe. Trying to find all the right words to say and do but feeling kind of helpless but this list is my starting point.. X
Jenni says
February 16, 2015 at 4:53 pmI’ll do more soon hun, the first few weeks are so emotional and scary…just be there for her xx
Liz says
March 2, 2015 at 8:47 pmYou’re ideas are so spot on, I had radiotherapy for 6 weeks, 12 months ago. I had a positive attitude and still do but every so often I have a down moment which I know is normal. I have a beautiful family, 3 girls z& a supportive husband. Love reading your blog, keep it up, you’re beautiful!
Jenni says
March 2, 2015 at 8:50 pmThanks Liz, a supportive family makes the difference, glad you’re doing well xx
Kath says
October 2, 2015 at 9:17 amThank you for giving these great tips the light of day.
Jenni says
October 4, 2015 at 9:46 amYou’re welcome Kath x