Let’s talk about sex…after breast cancer. I know it’s normally taboo, hush hush and swept under the carpet but sheesh this needs to be talked about.
Let’s be clear, this post isn’t for shock value…it’s because, well it’s been on my mind for absolutely ages because I had breast cancer and now my sex life is affected and it sux. Maybe by me writing about it I can articulate how I feel, how it affects me and my mister and just maybe it might help others.
Sex and intimacy are two very different things. My husband and I are intimate, we hold hands, snog and cuddle. Sometimes he catches my glance and gives me a knowing wink or a cheeky smile. He’s there to cheer me on and wipe my tears and the ‘magic’ is still there. But there’s been very little sex since I was diagnosed two and a half years ago.
I know…we used to go at it like randy rabbits and were pretty creative and adventurous and freakin loved a bit of afternoon delight. In fact we were up for it anytime.
Then breast cancer invaded my body, my warm soft boobs that were a HUGE part of our lovemaking were cut from my body and our sex life changed dramatically.
When I had my mastectomy and then a second surgery two weeks later to remove my nodes I was pretty fucked…not actually fucked in the hot n heavy way but messed up! I was full of tubes, drains, stitches…doctors and nurses were all over my chest and to be honest I was in pain and didn’t want anyone touching me let alone climbing on.
I was tender and sore and everything was an effort. I remember having a cry in the kitchen one night and my mister tried to hug me, it was awkward because…it’s hard to hug your wife when her boob has been cut from her chest and she has drains stitched into the wound.
I never hid my scar…even from the kids. I was back walking around the house naked or half naked after my first surgery. My husband saw the mastectomy wound on the very first night, he massaged my scars…kissed my empty chest…trailed his fingers across the scar many times. I was never ashamed of my scars and have never been made to feel ashamed. I swore black and blue that I would never have a reconstruction and he was cool with that, he was even fine when I decided I hated my prosthesis and stopped wearing it.
There was no rooting going on while I was having chemo because let’s face it who wants to get busy between the sheets with someone who is so bloody sick…so physically sick? My mister was so scared of hurting me, of invading my already ravaged body.
After chemo was done (6 months) we did have sex but it wasn’t like it used to be. I had one boob and felt like a freak show…my mister wasn’t sure what he should be doing with the boob and the empty space on my chest and to be honest neither was I.
Our foreplay disappeared because…I don’t know why really but it just did. It all felt weird and unsexy…I felt weird and unsexy.
From the very first surgery (I’ve had 7) my mister has been freakin amazing! He’s been patient, understanding, loving and supportive. He’s never pressured me for sex or made me feel bad for not putting out, we’ve laughed about it and kinda talked about it but lately it’s on my mind a lot.
See, some might say I’m ‘lucky’ but we were solid in our relationship before cancer. Sure,Cancer did bring our intimacy to new levels because all our feelings, fears and love had become heightened. It brought us even closer but sex, well that’s been tricky.
After chemo came hormone therapy which forces me into menopause. My vagina is a dry hole and we now have to use lube! Lube!! I have no oestrogen, no sex drive and a dry vagina…ain’t no recipe for a saucy session is it?! I even have a thatch of dark chin hair…just in case I needed reminding that I wasn’t sexy.
Then I decided to have a breast reconstruction. I thought it would make me feel more whole, it does and it helps me because these days I look down at cleavage and think oh, I HAD cancer instead of looking down at the empty space and thinking ‘I HAVE cancer’. That right there was worth the 2 surgeries, there’s still more surgeries to come of course.
The reconstruction surgeries were tough, for me the first surgery was excruciating. I cried in pain for weeks, sometimes I still cry with the pain. You see it’s not like a breast enhancement or a boob job. Nuh uh, I had my other breast removed, then my muscles, skin and tissue removed from my back to make new Foobs on my chest. The first surgery was 12 hours, 8 days in hospital, 6 weeks no driving and almost 30 times I had my back drained (with needles) afterwards. I ain’t gonna lie, at times I wish I’d never done it. I live with pain everyday, I have scars everywhere, my range of movement is limited. I have no freakin nipples!
My mister became my carer, massaging my scars twice daily, helping me shower, toilet and even helping me walk in the early days. Having your husband become a carer is a bit of a game changer and totally not sexy.
Yeah I have these scarred mounds that pull and hurt, nerves in my back spark and feel like an electrical storm…it hasn’t been easy. BUT…I’m here. I’m functioning, loved and I’m happy, and I’m pretty darned proud of my ‘Foobs’ because they do make me feel better. But in the bedroom they made no difference. They hurt and are hard so ummm, not much fun and a bit weird as part of a sex routine.
I miss my boobs because I liked them and more to the point so did my mister. They were soft and warm and made me and the mister horny. I like my new ‘Foobs’ and when I get nipples I’ll start calling them boobs again. They are mostly numb so feel pretty useless during sex and of course they hurt so I think subconsciously I have a barrier…I project fear and defence all at once which must really confuse the shit outa my mister! Sheesh, he’s had to deal with a lot!!
Sex is just another twist on the roller coaster ride of a cancer diagnosis, it’s something we need to learn again. I think we’ll eventually seek professional help, maybe a sex therapist. God, did I just write that?? Sooo weird, but that’s the thing, life just isn’t the same as it was before cancer. So many things have changed. We’ve changed and these days we invite and accept things into our lives that once seemed so foreign.
So while we are intimate there just ain’t much sex going on. We’re cool with that but I don’t want that to be our normal, I don’t want to throw my hands in the air and give up. I want us to find a way to adjust, and we will. And that’s the thing, it’s all about adjusting. We adjusted when I was pregnant and when we had kids, now we need to adjust again.
So what advice can I offer? The truth is none. My story has been our journey…but it’s not every ones. All breast cancer patients have their own individual experiences. We all cope differently and adjust differently. What I will say is that sex is a natural part of our lives and just because cancer invades doesn’t mean we aren’t sexual, we need to hear more about this. We need to speak up and ask questions and laugh about it. Let’s open the dialogue and help couples heal…that would be awesome, don’t you think?
Got any useful tips to getting sex back on track?
Maybe you’ve got specific questions about sex after breast cancer? Feel free to ask me anything.
Til next time,
Jen x
ps, this post is written with the full support of my husband. He read it, approves of it, hopes it helps others and…he thinks I rock!
Oh, the pretty bra in the cover pic was sent to me by ELOMI (gifted). Beautiful lingerie up to a J cup.You can find stockist HERE
Girly, you are so inspiring and brave. What a post!!!! Although I can’t offer any advice I just wanna say go you. Because honesty is so beautiful. You’re man is super lucky to have you, and you’re so lucky to have such a supportive rock.
Get back on that horse 😉
xxx
Thanks Em, we are blessed to have each other that’s for sure. Giddy up x
Lady you are awesome and so is your Mister xx
Thanks, he sure is
What an amazing read, I wish you and your lovely husband all the best for your bright future xx
Thanks Robin, we feel incredibly lucky to have a second chance x
WOW Jen, I have never really thought about the sex lives of breast cancer survivers..this was sad, beautiful, intimate, real and engaging to read..i had so many emotions reading it and even shed a tear for what you are both still going through…you and your Mister are two amazing people. Love to you both xx
Thanks Ann, I’m sure most couples have something that changes sex…I thought babies was a game changer, until cancer came along
Well….. You did it to me! You made me cry!!! I’ve gotta tell you I think that blog post has got to be hands down the best one you’ve ever written. The raw honesty and emotion just really got me thinking about just how much you have gone through, and are still going through. I never really thought of it as I see you looking beautiful in your photos every day and just assume that you’re well. You’ve really opened my eyes and I cannot believe how strong you are…. Well I mean I can but you get what I mean lol!!! I applaud you for opening up a dialogue about this, it’s so important and I hope that as time goes on you get your mojo back, because you really are amazing and you deserve to have that closeness with hubby. It’s so vital for couples like yourselves who have been through so much. As Beyoncé would say…. I hope you’re riding that surfboard again soon girlfriend!
Beyoncé has all the lines thanks Kerry. I think writing the post and reading it to my mister even had its own benefits…got us talking about it again
You said it perfectly Kerry!
She sure did x
Thank you so much for sharing, it is a topic that is usually taboo (like you said), but it’s so important to talk about sex after any major medical procedure or form of cancer. You are so lucky to have a caring husband. What a guy! I was reading an article the other day by Emily Nagoski. It might be slightly off topic and depend on individual situations, but I thought she made some interesting points. https://medium.com/galleys/the-science-of-saving-your-sex-life-ed9cfeb4edd7
Thanks I’ll take a look x
Gees, I don’t there are many couple that can say that are on that level of ‘i get you’ and are that solid. You guys sound pretty wonderful and I love the way you have written about your husband, he sounds like a very special man.
You are completely right, this needs to be a subject spoken about. I hope you guys are getting hot and heavy again soon.
You are an amazing woman
Thanks Emily, he’s proven his love again and again….I’m sure there will be action again
Jen, this is so brave and honest. I didn’t realise that reconstruction is like that. I have learnt so much from reading your blog. Especially what a great relationship is, your husband sounds like my Dad, he has always supported Mum no matter what has happened. Not many like that around let me tell you. To be honest, I don’t know how my partner would go. We have only been together for 6 years. God cancer changes everything doesn’t it. xx
All reconstructions are different, I had a double and a big one…my body was 7 months post chemo and radiotherapy so the impact was (still is) big. X
Wow. What bravery and honesty. It is so important to give voice for those who can not do so.. you have taught me a lot in this post. It sounds like you have a wonderful partnership and will find your way to be together in all the ways you need. Thanks for being you xxx
Thanks Helen, I’m a talker, a sharer…a communicator, and have always said that if people are able to then sharing is important. Opening a dialogue and helping others to feel less alone is important xx
Wow, what an amazing blog post. Thank you for sharing. I agree it does suck when your sex life changes. Mine has too due to tamoxifen that I take, no desire, totally dead. I hope you & your mister continue to be intimate & if you find the secret, let us know!
Ahh tamoxifen ( I take femara) it should be called libido zapper…and don’t even get me started on flushes and night sweats! X
You are one amazing strong woman. This blog resonated so much for me. Thank you for saying it out loud. My year without boob (1) was my worst. I’m sorry that your reconstruction is so painful still. It has been 6 years now since my mastectomy and 5 since my reconstruction and I love my boobs now (although I still have a favourite) next step is to get my nipple tattooed on. All I can say is the scars will fade and I am sure you will come to love and enjoy your new boobs and when you love them so will your husband. Keep intimate with hubby, he sounds like a keeper. Good luck beautiful lady. xxxx
Thanks Moira, I’m meeting with plastic surgeon in a month to chat about nipples. I’m so pleased you are happy with your new boob
I want to comment , your story needs to be commented on , but I just don’t know what to say. Other than thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit. Keep on working at it. With your amazing attitude I’m sure you and Mister will be rockin the van soon xoxoxo
Thanks Trish xx
You’ve tackled this subject with such straightforward honesty – it’s kind of beautiful, really. Thank you for being who you are Jen – whether you’re writing about rockin’ fashion or your cancer journey, I hear your voice. I see you. ❤️
Thanks Annette, have an awesome weekend x
Wow what an eye opening read Jenni, thanks for being so honest, we see you looking so gorgeous and sexy in your photos and I guess I incorrect assumed that’s how you felt and well, I guess I’d never thought about what post surgery and cancer sex would be like. I saw a relationship councillor with my fella a few years ago, she also happens to be a clinical sexologist Her name is Mardi Kaye, she’s in Adelaide and she is a great chick, check her out online xx
Thanks for the tip Jodie
i’ll say it again! you are one amazing woman jen!
your open and honest approach is to be honoured!
you are a trail blazer! helping others on the way!
good on you and your mister! he rocks too!
I’m sure if you need help you will seek it!
much love m:)X
Thanks Merilyn, love your support
Jenni this post is so beautifully written. No cliches just saying how it is. There is no shame going to a sex therapist even though it does sound weird. You and your mister are such an inspiration and that is not a cliche either. Youve worked hard to be there for each other. So many relationships crumble after cancer. I hope you both enjoy sex again and that it elevates your intimacy to a new level. Bless you for your honesty and being the voice for others who suffer in silence. Xx
Thanks so much Bec. You’re right the divorce/separation stats are staggering following breast cancer. X
Babe, best blog ever, honest, raw & truthful. Like you after my double mastectomy & right auxiliary clearance I wasn’t in the mood & I was always in the mood. I was also frightened of what Darren now thought of me & did he still see me as a female, did he still want this “titless” woman. After the initial recovery period when I started feeling better things got better but not fabulous. It took chemo for us to get back on track & we would laugh about him getting “chemo dick”, you know how you have to wait up to 2-3 days before you can get it on! Anyway I’ll wrap this up, thanks Jenni, well done babe. XX
Omg, that made me giggle Paula. You are totally gorgeous but we both know there’s more than what’s on the outside. Love ya xx
What an amazing post Jenni. Your breathtaking honesty will help so many affected by all types of cancers. You and your hubby are so lucky to have each other to lean on during such difficult times. It is a poignant reminder that noone really knows what is going on behind the picture. You always look so vibrant and happy and full of life, you must be one tough lady to be able to radiate joy when you are in pain. Wishing you less pain, continued success with your wonderful blog and I hope you and your wonderful hubby find a way to get your mojo back soon.x
Thanks Shell, life is good but like everyone we have our moments. It’s clean sheet night tonight…fingers crossed
Fabulous post Jenni. I’m so glad we met and great to hear more about your journey. Keep it up. xx
Same Sarah-Jane….I meet some awesome people including you xxx
Thank you, Jenni, once again for writing so clearly and honestly. I’ve just had my last chemo and contemplating reconstruction sometime, so found this very enlightening. Will probably be quite different to what my surgeon suggests, as it’s a man. Your surgery was more radical than mine, but there’s been tears here in recognition. Thanks again, for sharing your story, as it’s not something I’ve come across elsewhere for reference.
good luck with the next step Tania. yes my surgery was full on being a double and all. I’ve been super happy with all my doctors but I recommend asking heaps of questions and researching your options. I met with my plastic surgeon several times before we booked in surgeries. xx
Jenni, I think this is my favourite post of yours ever! It’s so open, honest and so real and I’m so proud of you for putting it out there. It’s something that we need to talk about and be open about. I think you and your man have got something so special, and I know that just like everything else you two have gone through together, you’ll get through this, and you’ll be bringing sexy back! As always, I’m in awe of your courage, strength and you humour – you are awesome! PS How good do your foobs-soon-to-be-boobs look in that bra?! HOT!
Thanks so much Sammie, it’s something that’s been on my mind for ages. Once my hubby said ‘go for it’…the words came and I pressed publish 🙂
Wow Jenni! Thank you for sharing with So much honesty. This is a part of cancer that I’m sure not many people would think about, apart from those actually experiencing it, so it’s so important to discuss. You clearly have so much love in your life and what a incredble Mr. You have! Thanks so so much for sharing xx
Thanks Shannon, he’s pretty darned awesome
Damn this is a cracking post. Jenni you are brave and honest and I LOVE that. I know you will get back on track. Your Mister sounds utterly wonderful. Here’s to a big, sexy romp in your future. Lots of love. Jx
It’s clean sheet night so fingers crossed Jess LOL
Aw! He really is your lobster isn’t he! Sending you all the sexy wishes Jen, let’s hope we all guess sexy is back in your cracking smile! Nailed this post lady (haha ) x
Thanks jo, I’m so pleased it was received with the intention I put into it x
I’m so very glad you bought up this topic Jenni ,I haven’t had cancer but a hysterectomy robbed me of my sex drive as my ovaries went into shock and also countless ops on my knee and a very bad neck and global osteoarthritis have made me live in chronic pain,!
I truly understand this subject so well and I have no estrogen and the dreaded dry vagina that is irritated very easily but I have a loving hubby as you do.I do have an estrogen cream I can insert (I don’t think you could use it though) I did get a lot of samples from checking out online female lubrication companies which were very happy to send out samples,all natural btw I can only suggest being intimate in other ways without actual intercourse a bit like when we’re were first dating,I’m sure you know what I mean ,thank You a lot of couples are in the same boat,good luck with it Jenni Xx
It took a while Lisa for me to bring this up but the timing felt right. It happens to lots of couples (for lots of reasons) so I wanted to open the discussion. I can’t use oestrogen creams or implants (feeds my cancer) but lube helps. Thanks for the tips, might have took online. X
Is it weird to say that as much as this post is about not feeling your own beauty anymore (plus everything else) I found so much beauty in it. The strength and love in your relationship. Your openness with the family. Your openness with us. That you so much for sharing it. xx
Thanks Karin, I feel total self love and acceptance…more than I have at any time in my life but there is a barrier. Part of it is physical pain, mixed with looking so different and of course memories of treatment and surgeries being so fresh for both of us. I’m sure we will find our way xx
Hi Jen. Is there no bounds to your bravery woman?! I am in awe. A most difficult subject at the best of times…even without going through the excruciating and enormously challenging journey that you have with your breast cancer. This line will stay with me always….”it helps me because these days I look down at cleavage and think oh, I HAD cancer instead of looking down at the empty space and thinking ‘I HAVE cancer”. Powerful stuff. Here’s to your bravery and strength Jen…and that man of yours. He’s gold. Ax
He sure is gold Anita! It’s a tricky subject and one that needs to be discussed, I’m so thankful everyone has been so accepting and supportive xx
WoW! So bravely honest. I think you and your Mister are incredible. Genuine honest writing at it’s best. Go you Xx
Thank you for writing this. I have never had cancer, but I know people who have and I feel like this will help me understand a bit more of what they are dealing with. Even if for nothing more than to send them over to have a read and know they are not alone.
Thanks Michelle, I think it’s good to open the discussion. I hope it helps someone x
Thank you for sharing. I read this last year after I was diagnosed. It hit home back then too. My appearance after cancer is something I haven’t dealt with… the difficultly of looking at myself in the mirror is sometimes just too much. I can’t begin to think how I look to my partner.
Thankfully reconstruction isn’t far off for me now and I’m looking forward to not looking down at my empty space and thinking I have cancer. Bring on Aug 27th