It’s been a strange ‘ole day, you know the kind…where you have a list of ‘to do’ jobs as long as your arm but your head just isn’t in the game. I woke up this morning bone tired, so tired that I didn’t even want to get out of bed to pee. Eventually the pelvic floor muscles grew weary and I had to get outa bed.
Then procrastination and avoidance set in. Even though I had that long list I set about doing everything (anything) but what actually needed doing.
Do you know what it is? Overwhelm…and fear.
I see it, I call it but today it’s got me.
You see, I’m having another surgery on Friday and my body is in self-preservation mode. My mind is playing out all the ‘what if’ scenarios and well, eventually I just need to retreat. This is my tenth cancer related surgery and with each one I turn into more of a sook in the lead up.
I know what I’m in for, there will be waiting, pain, recovery and a tonne of medical appointments. Just when I thought it was safe to go on living like a carefree person BAM, my reality strikes. Again!
Look, it’s not all doom and gloom. I’m not dying. I have perspective and bucketloads of gratitude for my very nice life, but every single time a surgery date is booked I go into ‘negative nancy’ mode.
I get cranky (sooo cranky), tired, reclusive and I procrastinate. My mind feels muddled and I get scared.
Scared something will go wrong, scared the doctors will find something we hadn’t planned on, scared I might not wake up or the anaesthetist will knock my teeth out or…well you get the picture.
Then there’s my little family who’ve already seen too much, and I’m going to put them through it all again. FFS!
So, this morning I went for my blood tests, the nurse took six vials and I said ‘Thankyou’ (what the?!) and went on my not so merry way. Just as I walked outside the IMVS office I decided to give myself a break, I decided I needed to take some pressure off. The list could wait
I took myself to breakfast, the coffee was worth the wait
And so were the baked eggs…
I sat in the little cafe enjoying the solitude, the hissing of the coffee machine as it churned out coffee after coffee and the muffled chatter of patrons sitting nearby. A little mini meditation in the coffee shop helped to clear my mind.
Then I visited the local florist and purchased an armful of flowers, because we all know flowers make my soul happy
Then I was off home. I took the time to make up a few vases of blooms to place around the house…
I cancelled todays dogs grooming appointment, scruffy is cute right?
I also said ‘no’ to three urgent requests for work. Once again, the world does not freakin implode because it’s Christmas!
I cancelled two more appointments for later in the week, and didn’t feel guilty.
I was looking after me, nurturing me. Do I feel better? Yeah, kinda. Why am I sharing this? Because what I’m feeling is normal.
My life isn’t perfect, I do have down times just like everyone else. The difference is I am acknowledging my triggers and putting things in place to help me get through.A few years ago I didn’t have the tools to deal very well with overwhelm and stress, these days I acknowledge my limits, and it’s ok. I’m ok.
If you are feeling overwhelm at this time of year then here’s 5 tips to try…
- Breathe. Slowing down our breath helps us settle. Slower, deeper breathes are soothing, mindful and help to clear your thoughts.
- Delegate. You don’t need to do it all, delegate tasks at home and at work.
- Say NO. No to colleagues, friends, family and annoying fuckers trying to flog you handcream at the shopping centre.
- Let go of expectation. Having high expectations of others or experiences is a sure fire way to always feel let down.
- Create a calm environment. Flowers and a clean house are nice but a calm environment looks different to everyone. Jump online and do your groceries to fill the pantry and avoid crowds. Ask a friend to help with housework (or hire a cleaner), get rid of clutter and diffuse some essential oils or burn a scented candle.
Overwhelm doesn’t need to be permanent, here’s hoping the rest of the week looks better than it started this morning.
How are you feeling?
Hopefully you are stressing yourself unnecessarily. You are a strong person. Have faith that those who suggest this have great skills and your best interests in mind. Tell yourself “no pain, no gain”. Count blessings. Will think of you and send prayers for calmness and good outcomes your way.
Thanks Tania x
I admire your tenacity A positive attitude will be your friend. I wish you a speedy recovery and lots of flowers love and smiles. Susi
yes to flowers, I’m sure my boys will sort me out there x
Hi Jen
I’m having my 8th surgery in Feb, none of them cancer related just bits worn out or useless. Everytime I have a surgery I get cranky, sooky and scared just like you.
I see my surgeon tomorrow to sort a few things out and have X-rays etc and I’m
even stressing about that.
Sending you love and strength.
Take it easy in the lead up Darlene x
Oh jen, i so relate to everything you have said. Ive had 3 major life-changing surgeries in the last 5 years, and let me say this last one has been the hardest by far -physically, mentally and emotionally. Love your honesty and no bullshit approach. I must say i did laugh out loud at ‘the fuckers trying to flog you hand cream at the shopping centre’. Thank you for being you and sharing. Good luck on friday xo??
You laughed because thiose fuckers fuck you off too…am i right? 🙂
I am feeling the overwhelm this week too. I am having surgery Monday and the reality of it has set in big time. I have been rushing around like a mad woman trying to get stuff done and it has gotten to me. I hung out at my parent’s place today and it was bliss, just what my mind and body needed. I love your tips and will be using them big time this week. I wish you all the very best for your surgery and a speedy recovery xx
I feel the sme way Leanne. Good luck for Monday x
Thanks Jen, so needed to read this today. My partner is in 16 months remission from NHL and we thought it would get easier – some days are just shite with all the fears, what-ifs etc and I am on the outside looking in so can only imagine what must be so overwhelming for those living with the after affects of this disease.
Then other days are clearer and we can enjoy feeling blessed.
This certainly is one hell of a ride.
Thanks again for your words and how you so eloquently are able to express what so many people are experiencing from day to day.
You certainly are a breath of fresh air X
much love to you and your partner KIri xx
ahhh you gorgeous soul , you do so much , there always will be a time of refreshment needed , you spend a lot of your time give give, giving and its so OK to be slightly spent and so fantastic that you can take charge and get it back on track and nuture you as you deserve it . I too am a giver constantly feeling that slightly overwhelming feeling of far-out how do I balance it all , but today I said no as well , big step for me thank you for advise and love so freely given . You are the best
Thanks lovely xxx
Well Jen, I fully understand your day, I had 2 days last week as a very negative person. But hope your week goes smoothly and everything will be tickity boo! Look after yourself and be positive. I know sometimes easier said than done. Lol??
Aaahh, maggie that doesn’t sound like you. The moon must be crazy. Glad to hearall is well again xx
Dear Jen, I understand and feel every word and feeling you’ve expressed. Without details, I do not want to minimise yours , mine aren’t cancer related but I’ve had 16 major surgeries, one earlier this year. I’ve had the one you are facing up to, I bled every day non stop for 3 years, so all went and. While it takes a while to recover, you gain a strength because you aren’t losing blood faster than you can make it. I’ve had almost a month in. Mental health clinic, basically the nut house in September and I feel my depression creeping back. I now live alone, my daughter moved overseas 2 weeks ago and while I’m thrilled for her, hard for me.so I have to pay close attention to that. During all of this I’ve lost most of my good friends who basically got tired of me being sick so I m in the process of trying to put.a plan together to make 2017 better. I wish you all the luck and love for Friday. You don’t know me, but you will be on my mind on Fridy. Two thumbs up as they wheel you in and all is going to be well.
Love Helen xx
Thyanks Helen, this is my 10th surgery in four years. I have been in menopause for over four years now, the surgery is related to preventative treatment connected to my breast cancer.
Sounds likeyouve had a very challenging few months. Ho awesome your girl is exploring the world but thatmust mean you miss her. Do you skype?
Thanks for your kind words, take care.
So glad you are looking after you. You’ve been a godsend to me and my mum lately, especially all your cancer files. I remember you messaging me on a Saturday night, no less, in response to my message and I was floored by your overwhelming kindness.
I wish you all the best for Friday, and beyond. Xx
I hope your mum found what she needed Jacqui x
Hey Jen
My heart goes out to you. I have no idea what you are going through, but my thoughts are with you and I’ll be sending you lots of positive vibes. Love the tips you have given. I’ll certainly be taking them on at this time of year. Stay positive and thank you for your posts. I always get something out of them x
Thanks for your care Ruth, I appreciate it x
I totally get it but I love that you are so tuned in to you and manage your overwhelm like a boss. I’ll be thinking of you on Friday and am sending big hugs your way xx
Thanks for your care Sammie x
Firstly, take care, secondly, love that you’re strong enough to understand yourself & listen to you, and lastly, thanks for the exact advice I needed. Luckily, I’m not unwell however after the recent passing of my father, I’m struggling to hold it together. I’m going to copy you tomorrow and raise my hot fresh coffee to you in spirit. Best wishes for Friday xx
Thanks Beth, much love to you x
Great tips – Number 3 gave me such a laugh!
On a more serious note, the lead up to surgery and/or epic medical appointments is such a stressful time. I’m so pleased you’re taking care of you x
Thanks Kirsten. You’d think I would be a pro at handling these but it fels like they get harder with each one 🙂
Yes!!! Well done you for taking that step to make yourself happy. Wishing you all the best for Friday. Sending huge hugs your way. xox
Thanks Vicki x
I can be the worlds’ greatest procrastinator at times then other times I’m really on the ball. I’m sure some of it is due to a tendancy to depression. If planning made it happen, I’d be all over it. I try not to beat myself up about it. As far as your surgery is concerned, I’m sure you’re in great hands and the fact that the surgery is an ‘insurance policy’ should allow you some peace of mind. There will not be anything unexpected. Trust me. I look forward to seeing you grinning from ear to ear when you get through the other side of this. You will be just fine coz I say so!
Thanks for your kind words Nadine x
Hi Jen,
Thanks for sharing. It’s interesting to hear your words. Like so many other people who follow you I think you are amazing.
This has shown me that yeah I’ve had a hard 2nd half of the year but that’s ok! I’ll never get over losing my Mum but have the reassurance that she is around me especially on my really flat days.
Wishing you all the best for your op! They are always a bit scarey!
Will be thinking of you & sending you healing love. Xxx
Sorry for your loss melissa, I hope you are ok xx
Hi Jen just read your comments and want to send you a BIG hug and lots of love for the coming weeks. Even though we’Ve never met, I love reading your blog and enjoying your beautiful smile and positive nature. You have made me appreciate my gorgeous curvy body and the word FAT is now banished from my vocabulary – I’m encouraging my friends to do the same.Please stay happy and positive-you will kick this illness in its BUTT .!!!!!?????
Way to go Linda 🙂
Lots of love and light to you x
thanks x
❤️? Thinking of you and everyone else here who is feeling the ‘whelm! Love to you all xx
thanks lovely x
Couldn’t agree more Jen the more surgeries you have the more scared you are.Im a big sook now I never used to be but lists of operations have changed that! I’ve been fre king like shit I hurt my foot and can hardly walk and I’m angry cause I just don’t have time to be in more pain.
Good luck Jenni you’ll be in all our thoughts gorgeous take care of you and much love ❤️❤️?
Hope the pain eases soon Lisa x
Thank you. I really needed to read that. Perspective.
you’re welcome Mary x
Oh Hun I can relate to this I was a big grumble bum on weekend snapping at everyone. I realise why after surgery and 6 week wait on results this week was my mind, body and spirit releasing my anger. Anger that the results may have been different anger at my body for putting me through another cancer scare and I guess angry at the world and others who can’t imagine what it’s like to not trust your own body because you feel betrayed over and over again. I said to my hubby I feel like hypochondriac and think the Drs think I am too but he said to me how can you not be on high alert after what you’ve been through. I sit in the Drs apologising for my over reaction and only one the anaesthetist who did my pre op admission said to me it’s ok and totally understandable for you to feel this way don’t be sorry. At my follow up appt I told the dr I’m still bloated and my hubby asked if this is normal her reply was oh I think it’s lifestyle I was so pissed off and upset after this as she met me 5 seconds beforehand and my hubby reminded me of this when I mentioned to him afterwards. so looking back I think I had every right to be grumble bum and just be in my own place of solitude. Thanks for the tips Jen love it xxxx
Hope you are feeling better soon x
PS good luck on Friday lovely lady xxx
Positive thoughts and hugs for Friday Jen … fresh flowers are a treat to myself every couple of weeks they make a huge difference to everything.
Tyhankyou katie. Yes, I have fresh flowers in the house every week 🙂
Good luck Jen, hope all goes well……love your blog ?
Thanks Christine for the care and positive thoughts x
I now, need and want baked eggs!!!
You were right in giving yourself a break, having surgery is scary, no matter how much you tell yourself not to worry, that the worry doesn’t fix or change anything, its only human nature to. I guess trying to not worry too much is about as good as its going to get.
Here is to things running super smoothly on Friday, and things settling down a little for you,
Sending positive vibes your way
K
xXx
You’re an awesome friend and cheerleader Kerry, thankyou xx
Jen, wishing you all the best for the surgery and a speedy recovery,
Dianne xxx
Thanks Dianne I appreciate your kind words x
all the best for Friday jen!
you are amazing and have every reason to be a sook!
I’ve been a sook and in a fug all year!
much love m:)X
Thanks Merilyn, sometimes we need to acknowledge those less than perfect emotions and fears. I hope you find your way out of your funk xx
Jen, you are the most inspirational and bright person I know, I love your blog and look forward to each post. You have a beautiful sole. All the best this week, I will be praying for you.
Thanks for your care Cheryl xx
Mum often reminds me as her Dad did to her “you’re the strong one girly, but even the strong ones need to rest some times.” You are one of the bravest and strongest people I know Jen. Whilst I have never experienced the pain you have, what I do know is that you will have and do have, ‘got this’. Listen and go with whatever your body says you need to. Ignore us too! If that’s what’s needed 🙂 We all respect you so much, it’s too easy to say ‘no worries…whenever you’re ready.’
Great tips. Good luck and talk soon. Take care of you. Ax
Thanks Anita, these emotions snuck up on me and I did need a rest…but I’ve got this x
No where you are coming just had the last month doing my yearly checks scans colonoscopy etc all was going well then a little hicup with chest X-ray . Thought my heart was enlarged so more tests echo cardigram was freaking out big time as do not have that many good working organs in my body . Have removed most of them ha ha f..k cancer but had my angiogram yesterday all good not blockages no op. As my dad passed away at 49 from heart attack. Well now I have to get into grateful mood and keep fighting to stay on this earth where I want to be. Thanks Jen for being the person you are. Good luck will be thing about you on Friday???
The mind games are crappy. Pleased to hear all is well x
Those fucking floggers at the shopping centre!! I couldn’t go to Thingz the other day because they were like gladiators and I just couldn’t deal. I LOVE baked eggs and also I always think that coffee tastes better in a pretty cup and my fav cup is legit the one you are holding in these pics! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Oh and cancer can fuck right off alongside those floggers. I hope your surgery goes well. Bluetooth kisses xxx
‘Gladiators’…love that Emma
Oh darling girl – sending you SO much love. We are all with you hun, you’ve got this. xxxxx
Thanks lovely, the head games can be a mind fuck but you’re right…I’ve got this x
Glad to see surgery went well Jenni (and you woke up with all teeth still there)! Take care lovely xx