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THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING NIPPLES.

By 49 Comments

For like fifteen seconds I had nipples. You know the type that sit proud and you can see their form through a t shirt. I’d look down and see those little puppies standing erect and I was bloody proud. I felt all kinds of girly, and womanly…AND sexy!

Ok, I had the surgery just over three months ago so I had those new nips for a few months, but now they’re gone!

I needed to get the areola part re tattooed, yup I’ve got ink but it’s nothing fancy or tough or poetic. It’s tattooed nipples! A roundish circle of colour added to my man made boobs.

The original ink didn’t take too well and turned out a bit patchy so a week ago my surgeon did his thing ‘again’ and fired up the tattoo machine. After forty five minutes in surgery I was inked, patched up and sent home.

Today was the big reveal day. Off came the dressings and whoa nelly, that’s a lot of bloody bruising! I’m a kaleidoscope of yellow and purple, who knew tats were so brutal?!

Well this time around the colour has taken…taken my freakin ‘nubs’. Not such a sexy word but that’s the word the surgeons use for that erect part of your nipple. Nubs! Well, they’re gone! I freaked out and cried like a girl. I mean WTF?! Why did I bother to go under the knife if the nubs were that bloody fragile they would disappear into thin air so quickly.

I felt like my ‘womanly substance’ had left me, again. Boobs, no boobs, new Foobs, then implants and nipples…then, no nubs! Fark! Really? Come on, cut me a break!

I couldn’t believe that the tears fell, actually at first I was just sobbing. You know that tearless silent sob where no noise comes out and your while body is wracked with convulsions then all of a sudden you catch your breath and the ugliest cry comes out. Yup, I did the ugly cry!

They’re ‘nubs’, I couldn’t believe I was crying over this! I hadn’t been told I was dying, I felt stupid and selfish but, what the actual fuck? I’d worked hard and gone through so much shit to get those ‘nubs’ and now they were bloody gone!

Here’s the best bit…my surgeon didn’t seem too surprised. Turns out nubs are pretty temporary and oh well, I could try pulling and rolling the skin (which is still scabby from the tats) but pretty much this is what I’ll be left with.

Look I’ll get over it. I’ll totally move on but right now it feels shit and unfair.

Love your nubs ladies! You don’t know what you’re missing til it’s gone.

Til next time,

Jen x

Comments

  1. Oh Jen that is sh!tty
    Perhaps look into 3D nipple tattooing? I was watching a program the other day and they look like the real thing (just not as interactive

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  2. Oh Jen, I cried for you reading this. Don’t know what else to say, I have not been through what you have, so sending you hugs 🙂

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  5. Sob away…… You are allowed to, it’s ok.
    We understand, you have shared so much with all of us & of course you know you have come so far.
    Only a little set back but stil it’s ok to sob.

    Sending you lots of huge hugs ??

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  6. Jenni of anyone can rock a lack of nubs it will be you. Sending lots of love and a million tiny sparkles of starlight to you. x

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  7. Jen some times you just need to release! And it is bloody awful that you have gone through so much just for it to disappear! I think you are simply amazing nubs or not! Xxoo

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  8. Oh honey, you poor love. When you’re waiting for the big reveal that was like another kick in the guts. F cancer…son of a bitch. Your inner and outer beauty is not impacted by your nubs love, your the bees knees with or without them. Bloody brave and beautiful woman xxx

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  9. what the actual F! he wasn’t surprised?
    Oh Jen, cant tell you how much my heart aches for you this, has got to suck the proverbial!
    You my lady are one friggin awesome woman with or without nubs. you are one of my real life heroes a #WOMANWHOROCK!
    Love you lady
    xXx

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  10. That’s so sad, I can fully understand the disappointment after so much surgery. 🙁 I was born with inverted nipples. They’ve always been useless with no sensitivity and make me feel very unsexy a lot of the time. A few years back I got them pierced by a doctor who specialises in medical piercing. It helped them “come out” so to speak and suddenly I had some sensitivity and actual nipples, like most normal women, but slowly the piercing started to pull through the middle, so I had to get them removed and I’m back to what I started with.

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  13. Sorry Jen it wasn’t what you wanted if it’s any consolation I have had inverted nipples all my life and I too would love to have nubs feel your pain. Just so sorry you went through all you had to and the result wasn’t what you wanted. You deserve to have a good sob because tomorrow is another day and you will be happy with that.???

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  17. Why can’t they just give you that warning before hand, this is where I find the information isn’t passed onto us, I still get pissed off at how I went into my double mastectomy so blindly ! Rant over & yes puck you cancer !

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    • I know right! I ask lots of questions but doctors still like to hold back. Perhaps we need to speak up Paula to help them with that x

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  18. I’m so sad that your boobs haven’t turned out how you expected Jenni I was hoping that they were going to be all you had dreamed of,don’t feel selfish you’ve been through so much to be disappointed, big hugs sweetie Xx

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    • Thanks Lisa, I can’t believe how sad it made me. Feels foolish but I suspect it’s about more than nipples so I’ll allow myself to feel the feels and hope a good nights sleep makes it all better xx

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  21. Oh Jen, it’s okay to cry. I wanted to cry when I read this post. And every time I open your website and see the picture of your as a little girl with the title ‘Stain on my soul’. That makes me furious. You seem to be such a kind, compassionate woman. Sending you one of my grandma hugs, I really feel for you. xx

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  22. Hi there, this is my first time reading your blog (first post I’ve read..so far) and although I (fortunately) have not experienced what u have, i apologise if this is long but I really wanted to comment. I can relate to the feeling or sense of loss over what others may find trivial (Drs I’ve found the worse) considering what u have both gone thru and survived. I myself had been unwell for many years and kept on going to the Drs but as a (now ex) smoker he would always put my symptoms down to that. Ironically, when I went to see him about my quit plan I again told him of my worsening symptoms and pushed for tests. An X-ray later I was once again told it was due to smoking. Feeling so unwell I for the first time demanded a contrast scan, thinking that the X-ray being ‘all clear and perfect’ would show the damage I had done over the years to my lungs and be an extra motivation to maintain my ‘quit status’.
    U usually realise pretty quick when u get a call from the Drs receptionist at 8.30am the following day saying the dr needed to see me that day. Having had the ‘all clear’ two days previously from the X-ray I went in thinking that he wanted to discuss smoking related damage. Upon the look on his face I knew immediately that it was serious. What they had found was one lung half collapsed and a very large tumour, ironically it was a very rare NON smoking related tumour. Initially after a battery of aweful and invasive tests.as I’m sure u can relate to. I was told due to my smoking history that the surgeon would not remove the entire lung if the tumour affected both lobes and was setting up palliative care. (Trying to cut this short- apologies) you know how the surgeons come and see you the night before, he once again told me he would not remove it and having thought hard and long I told him for the sake of my kids (both adults) who had lost their dad to lung cancer two years earlier that I was prepared to live an existence of ‘an old lady unable to walk more than a few steps’. Well, he did end up taking the entire lung and apparently my slowly increased lung function was partly due to my talkative nature. Ok now to the point (!!) well I was supposed to feel relieved, grateful..all those things that you expect to feel when you have had death looming and then it’s gone right? Well to a certain extent I was. Then came time for the ‘reveal’! My husband took the dressings off and due to the surgeon having to remove ribs and cut chunks out of some he had mentioned I may have some loss of feeling but he hadn’t explained that fully. There I was alive. I survived the op which I had to sign several extra forms relating to the chance of death from the surgery and being told I had only a 20- 30% chance of surviving the op. I was alive. As the dressings came off and I began to touch diff areas trying to find this ‘numb spot’ I found it and I freaked out. I had bands of numbness spanning from the sternum to the spine…running across one of my breasts. It wasn’t completely dead..the kind of numbness after a dentists apt and its starting to wear off and it hurts in a very weird way. I cried. And I cried. I suppose in a way like yourself, a release. But I felt like an idiot! I had survived the surgery which wasn’t really expected. The tumour hadn’t spread. I could walk a little before becoming to breathless. My lung had been so sick for so long it had become so stuck to my diagram and was told that they nearly had to remove that. I was lucky. Very lucky. But there I was crying because of this horrid feeling across my breast. I don’t know if I would have reacted if it was a diff area and not my breast, this feeling was simply aweful but I wasn’t supposed to care about that. I was alive and yes I had a very long long road to recovery and yet I couldn’t stop the tears when it came to that feeling.
    Again HUGE apologies for my huge reply but as I read ur post and the tears rolled down thinking of ur sorrow and how unprepared u were I felt I needed to share what I haven’t shared to anyone apart from my husband before today as not many people can relate…because I felt pathetic and should have been greatful and happy! Thank you for writing about ur nubs. Nubs or not u have inspired me. Thank you for ur patience!
    Best wishes jenni xx

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    • I should have emailed this to you as opposed to writing such a lengthy comment. I’m very sorry and well quite embarrassed now I can see the length! Hugs jenni x

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    • Oh my goodness, that is a massive surgery and so invasive Helen. Yes I have numbness across my back and my breasts are completely numb…weirdest feeling.

      I think when you go through so many invasive procedures you just find a way of getting through and at some stage it all catches up with you.

      There’s a settling in period when our bodies have been altered. it can take some getting used to. I’m so pleased you persevered and the doctors got to the bottom of the problem. How very fortunate to have a second shot at life, take care gorgeous xx

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  24. Oh Jen. We were talking about you today. I must admit I’m a bit behind on my blog catch ups. We were talking about nips and the conversation lead to you. Sorry for your disappointment. I’m on the other side I’m hiding behind scarfs. I think if I had my time over I would not have nips. They are to big. But I’m greatful that they are not my old ones. No tattoo yet. I will deal with that next year. Anyway hugs to you. Fleur.

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