Almost every woman I know can remember the important stuff that shaped them, the good, bad and insensitive. Our self esteem can be affected by many things, some are internal forces and the rest…well the rest are usually from rage, jealousy, hate and dumbass comments, oh, and the ‘up and down’ glance.
Can you believe I received that glance yesterday? Sure did! I was entering a cafe and a young girl (all of 16 ) looked me up and down. Judgement. There was no smile either. For one second I was all ‘what the hell is she looking at?’ Then I remembered I’m totally cool with who I am and strutted by.
Do you remember the first insensitive comment that made you look at your body differently?
I do. I was eleven and standing at the end of my parents bed having a morning chat. I was wearing a terry toweling play suit, it was lemon. God I loved that play suit, tie up straps and a palm tree motif, I thought I was ‘it and a bit’. In fact I believed I was it and a bit.
Then my father commented that my arse was getting big. He warned me to eat less as I was going to get fat. I remember feeling shocked, I hadn’t even realised I had an arse, and that it mattered if it was round or flat and what was this ‘fat’ business he spoke of?
Why did ‘he’ have to be the one to tell me? It felt so critical and instantly I felt shame.
That what criticism does, it injects shame.
I was eleven and what I now know is that I was supposed to be getting curves, I was hormonal and on the cusp of puberty. By the time I was twelve I was wearing my first bra because, hormones. That first body criticism comment has stayed with me my whole life.
I didn’t have daughters, I’m blessed with two sons. Both have had their own body image issues over the years but the nasty comments didn’t come from my mouth. I’ve been careful with the words I’ve used, for them and for their future partners.
I didn’t want to crumple their confidence and have them think it’s ok to pass judgement on others either.
It starts with me, as their parent I should build them up, give them the armour to get through life. Body shaming your child or someone you love is just not on.
Being criticised and teased can be very hurtful, it doesn’t only affect body image but overall self image. Instead try a little reassurance, it goes a long way.
A healthy body image is about appreciating and liking your body, feeling grateful for all it can do.
It took me decades to completely appreciate and love my body, these days I’m kinder to it and use kinder words when talking about my body. When we can do that then we can pass on the gift to others (including our children), and what a gift 🙂
These days I understand that my father most likely had no idea of the power his words had over me, how they changed me. He didn’t realise that I thought I was ok. So I let that shit go, that’s part of gaining healthy self esteem. Let it go.
Do you remember the first time your body was criticised? Did it change you?
It’s hardto let go of nasty comments. They have a way of sticking with you no matter how far you move on. Sorry you had to receive that comment from your Dad Jen, I know exactly how that hurt. Xx
I still remember it Beck but that comment has no power over me these days ? Xx
That ‘sticks and stones’ aphorism is rubbish isn’t it? Words can and DO hurt. But your attitudes and words on this blog are such a force for good, helping me and countless others. (thankyou)
The earliest comments I remember were aged 11 or12. My Grandmother (who was dying of cancer and had once been a bigger lady herself, but was rapidly shrinking) commented to my Mum in front of me “she’s getting to be a big girl isn’t she? She’s getting plump” No wonder my Mum had body issues and non-acceptance of the female form which she passed on to me. I tell my daughter she is beautiful inside and out, which she is, and refrain from body conscious comments at all. And yes boys feel the pressure to be a certain way too.
Good for you for being so conscious of your daughter and her self esteem X
My beautiful dad used to call me ‘Ten Tonne Tessie’…like your dad I am sure he had no idea that it might be potentially harmful or hurtful (he was no Slim-Jim!)
It was water off a duck’s back to me – despite being big all my life I was blessed with big self esteem too – so only really thought about that nickname once I was an adult. I didn’t use it on my own beautiful daughters you will be pleased to know!!
Much much more importantly Jenni – I had that jumpsuit too!!!! My big sister used to get so mad at me because I used to tuck in the straps (so it was strapless…on my 11 year old boobless body!!) I loved that jumpsuit so much. Thanks for the memory. Love your blog.
Oh man I remember that nickname. Tucking in the straps is something I did too, felt sooo grown up ?
While I don’t remember the first comment, I do remember there being a lot during my school years and it getting very old, very fast. I’d like to say that I’ve successfully managed NOT to take the comments on board, but some I have. I’m actually finding it harder as an adult to love and respect my body (not matter what size/ shape it is), which I don’t really understand….. Thanks for you another great post Jen 🙂
You’re welcome Jaylene, keep working at loving all of you x
a sad story jen! … I bet he was unaware of the impact that would have on you! most parents from the past didn’t have a clue really, compared to todays information overload!
repeated negative reinforcement is detrimental to ones wellbeing! … usually a projection and it’s abusive!
young and impressionable we are fed all sorts of messages! … good bad and indifferent and it’s a wonder
any of us are able to function properly!
I did some work on myself to heal stored negative cell memories and it worked very well! … it cleared out that old stored stuff! and cured some long standing endo and thyroid conditions!
if I feel stuck or not fully well I do yoga breathing and with each outward breath release anymore stored yuk in my cell memory bank … I call it!
before I know it i’m feeling much better! I seem to loose weight then without even trying! just saying incase helpful to anyone!
you are lovely jen! … much love m:)X
The very first negative comment I received was from my GP around 9 or 10. I was laying on the bed because I had stomach aches (anxiety!) and he said ‘You will never get a boyfriend or husband if you keep making urself fat’ as he poked my pubescent belly! But sadly I had soooo many comments having developed very early (needed a bra by 8 and menstrating by 9) and in a double d cup by grade 6 I was sexualised by so many so called role models. Male teachers, parents friends, extended family all thought in ‘those days’ it was ok to discuss the obvious in front on me.
To this day I still have body issues even tho I’m a little bit gentler on myself. I haven’t worn a bathing suit since I was a teen due to what felt like a zillion comments on my body in one. I’ve always tried to hide my body,
Well done for letting urs go, admire you all!
Incredibly after posting this it reminded me of the same dr when I was 15 and had had a whip lash a few years earlier and he was to examine my neck and back. He told me to take my top off and hop on the bed sitting up. He turned back around and said to my mum ‘omg no wonder she has neck pain with those ‘things’ hanging off her chest’ and suggested a break reduction. Well mum didn’t like the idea but I jumped at the idea. Having been only seen because of my breasts I was happy with the thought of being ‘normal’ whatever that is but at the time thought it would fix everything! Thank goodness times have changed. If a dr said anything like that now well..!
Seriously! The man had a problem and not just his bedside manner! Vile!
Oh my goodness what a horrible and rude doctor! Some professionals can really leave a lasting impression and not a good one X
Ii takes a lot of discipline to rise above. No matter what I achieved, all my family saw was my shape. After 40 years there are still digs by my elderly father. Removed myself so much there has been no invites to Christmas. Don’t want the temptation of landing a hard right on one of the holier than though skinny in-laws !
I’m 58 now and just learning how to dress well and in my own style. Saw you on Adelady and popped in to check it out. Keep the styling ideas coming. Thankyou 🙂
Hi Martina, and welcome to the Styling Curvy community xx