School is back, my social media feeds are filled with lunchbox ideas and tips on handling tearful drop offs. There are cute kids in uniforms they will ‘grow into’ and Mums sharing plans of much needed boozy lunch catchups, but me…well there’s none of this. I’m officially out of the ‘school Mum’s’ club. No more school days for me.
My kids, they went and grew up and for the first time since the year 2000 I have NO kids at school.
Last year I rejoiced the final ever school day, I even tossed the school uniforms in the skip bin, perfectly timed delivery of the bin right there! I was so bloody pleased that school was done! The last two years really dragged, they were tough for my youngest and my tank was more than a little empty.
I fist pumped when I tossed the last grubby lunchbox, no more school lunch preparation EVER! But then this year, as the cute kids in oversized uniforms and boulder sized school bags filled my social media feed I felt sadness like, I might miss making school lunches sadness.
Times change. This is a good thing right? Of course it is, but sometimes I’d like a ‘do over’. Time to revisit moments already lived and to be present, time to really soak it all in. Time to enjoy those school days just a little more.
Like the first day of school for son number one, instead of feeling nervous and guarded I’d like another crack at that day. I’d love to really ‘feel’ the joy and excitement and not have been burdened with lunch preparation and ironing uniforms and wondering if he was gonna be alright. Sometimes I got so caught up in doing all the ‘Mum’ stuff that I forgot to really savour it all. For the record, he was ‘more’ than alright, he thrived!
Now my boys are men and there’s no more mad dashes to the supermarket to pick up ‘the right colour’ zinc sticks on school sports day. There will be no more unwrapping of carefully chosen (lame) gifts from the Mothers Day stall. Gone are the days of supervising zoo visits, beach walks, swimming lessons or school camps.
No more spelling out names as they write piles of Christmas cards (all eaxactly the same ) and no more shopping for gifts to give to teachers for a ‘job well done’…except the year 3 teacher of son number two, she gets a rotten apple!
No more filling out lunch orders, or creating school approved wrapper free, sugar free, fun free lunch boxes. Scheduling in times for parent/teacher meetings is a thing of the past, no mountain of notes on the kitchen bench, readers replaced with, well…nothing.
Deadlines, projects, show and tell and assembly presentations are a memory, as are school discos, school captain presentations, fetes and cake stalls. Oh, the cake stalls were always amazing!
Shopping for new shoes and stressing about how I would afford to pay for compulsory bloody sports uniforms and expensive cricket kits is something I’ve done, I made it through. FYI, cricket is an expensive sport, even more so when both boys play and new bats are needed at the same time! Hello ‘take all your money’ cricket stores where dropping $500 on a bat and $200 on a bag is the norm. Oh, and while I loved being a cricket mum (still am) man oh man, the matches are looooong, great for forced relaxation and the tan though 🙂
Homework was at times like pulling teeth…from my own head! Some years there was sooo much of it and then there was that one time when my efforts at a year 10 Home ec assignment only received a B. I reckon the teacher knew I had done my kids assignment and was sending me a message. For the record it was definitely A+ material. One son would sit at the table for hours and only produce three written words (for real), man I wish I had the tools to help him through those years (insert screaming and tears).
I wish I nagged less and played more.
I wish I’d done better in that Home-ec assignment 🙂
I wish I could sit at our dining table for daily after school ‘snacks and chats’ with my boys…they were fun!
I was I had one more ‘Mummy and me’ day where I would pull them out of school one day each term for a day together.
I wish I gave less shits about what the other mums thought of me and of my kids.
I wish I had read the signs earlier.
I wish we could do one more ‘furniture fort’ or backyard sleepout in school holidays.
I wish I had a do over, I’m actually gonna miss those school days with my boys.
But, my original wish for my boys on their first day of school has not changed. Even though they are now on the other side of the school gates and in the real world, I wish my boys more. More fun, more joy, more love, more adventure.
Got a favourite school Mum memory?
Anything you won’t miss about school days?
Til next time,
Jen x
Nat wIrth says
January 30, 2017 at 4:38 pmI’m told we get our second chance as grandparents – will be interesting to find out I guess!
I felt the same when my boys finished 4 years ago, a second chance would have been lovely but at the time you just do what you can physically and emotionally x
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:22 pmSpot on Nat, you only know what you know and sometimes parenting is a case of wingin it 🙂
Helen says
January 30, 2017 at 5:01 pmMy kids are the same age as yours ( girl 21 and boy 18 ) , I am feeling a little sad ATM … son was so happy this morning announcing he didn’t have to go to school!
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:24 pmHaha, I bet he was Helen:-)
Jacky hunt says
January 30, 2017 at 5:03 pmBeautifully said! This will be my last year as a school mum. For the past 28 years I have had a child at school. Today was also my granddaughters first day at school and she told me she loved it! There’s a mixture of sadness and relief as your children grow, but then they bring you wonderful gifts such as grandchildren. It takes time to adjust to being less needed as a mum . Enjoy the change ?
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:25 pmI’m definitely excited about this next stage Jacky. Wow, 28 years is a long time, great work!
Jo says
January 30, 2017 at 5:04 pmI laughed, this is so relateable! Year 3 teachers must suck every where. We had one too. I have spent the day getting hair cut and getting organized for school tomorrow. But I hate school lunches@ and my assignment was one for sose. And the teacher didn’t even mark it. Wtf. I pay my fees for them to mark my (her) work. Only assignment I have ever done . I wasn’t happy, it was at least an A. Now is a different time for you and your relationship with your boys. It’s new. Something to look forward to. Xx
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:27 pmThose bloody SOSE assignments shit me, biggest waste of time.
Julie says
January 30, 2017 at 5:14 pmMine are in their 20s now and we still have the occasional “day off” together, very special. I think school puts us all – children and parents – under so much pressure, it’s hard to enjoy that time. And 2 years after the last one did HSC I can barely remember her mark! Such a relief that we’ve got beyond it. And now I am looking forward to grandchildren .. but not yet please!
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:29 pmHaha, some days I’m keen as beans for grandkids and other days I’m like ‘whoa nelly’!
Desley Baird says
January 30, 2017 at 5:30 pmYes I’m with you on all of the above Jen! Multply x2 = 4. Yep 4 kiddos. It was a long, tough haul, but there are times when I miss it. Not sure I would want to do it all again, many ginormous challenges along the way. But I’m so proud of them all, & love them so much it hurts! We live in 1 of the most beautiful countries on earth, and our kids have been very fortunate to have the opportunities they’ve had & still have. We are truly blessed!
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 5:39 pmWell done Desley and you are so right, this great country we live in affords our kids a fab education and many wonderful opportunities.
Paula says
January 30, 2017 at 5:49 pmGreat post. I’m in the same boat as you Jenni – first time since 2000 that I have had no kids at school. They are now 22, 20 and 18. And to celebrate we are off to Byron Bay on Friday! Do you know how much cheaper flights and accommodation is when you don’t have to travel during school holidays!!! OMG life is good ? No more lunch boxes, uniforms, books or parent teacher interviews. I loved those school days but I’m over it now. Byron (and Margherita’s) here we come ?
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 6:17 pmOh, enjoy Byron…it’s so bloody beautiful 🙂
Christine Chisman says
January 30, 2017 at 5:57 pmSee, I read this a year ago and it brought me to tears….my boys are nearly 24 and nearly 22 and long flown the nest. This following really resonated with me…
“It’s not a death. And it’s not a tragedy. But it’s not nothing, either…”? I feel like this little boy walked out the door today, not the fine young man we’ve raised. Today is hard. Very hard.
“I wasn’t wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn’t the end of the world when first one child, then another , and then the last packed their bags and left for college.
But it was the end of something. “Can you pick me up, Mom?” “What’s for dinner?” “What do you think?”
I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, non stop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.
And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.
And then they were gone, one after the other.
“They’ll be back,” my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals — not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars.
Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend’s. Always looking at the clock mid day and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. “How was school?” answered for years in too much detail. “And then he said . . . and then I said to him. . . .” Then hardly answered at all.
Always, knowing his friends.
Her favorite show.
What he had for breakfast.
What she wore to school.
What he thinks.
How she feels.
My friend Beth’s twin girls left for Roger Williams yesterday. They are her fourth and fifth children. She’s been down this road three times before. You’d think it would get easier.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without them,” she has said every day for months.
And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?
A chapter ends. Another chapter begins. One door closes and another door opens. The best thing a parent can give their child is wings. I read all these things when my children left home and thought then what I think now: What do these words mean?
Eighteen years isn’t a chapter in anyone’s life. It’s a whole book, and that book is ending and what comes next is connected to, but different from, everything that has gone before.
Before was an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager. Before was feeding and changing and teaching and comforting and guiding and disciplining, everything hands -on. Now?
Now the kids are young adults and on their own and the parents are on the periphery, and it’s not just a chapter change. It’s a sea change.
As for a door closing? Would that you could close a door and forget for even a minute your children and your love for them and your fear for them, too. And would that they occupied just a single room in your head. But they’re in every room in your head and in your heart.
As for the wings analogy? It’s sweet. But children are not birds. Parents don’t let them go and build another nest and have all new offspring next year.
Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem. Because that’s what going to college is. It’s goodbye.
It’s not a death. And it’s not a tragedy.
But it’s not nothing, either.
To grow a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It rejects food it used to like. It expands and it adapts.
To let go of a child, a body changes, too. It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.
The drive home alone without them is the worst. And the first few days. But then it gets better. The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.
Life does go on.
“Can you give me a ride to the mall?” “Mom, make him stop!” I don’t miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee. But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine….”
– Beverly Beckham — with James Joseph Williams III.
Von says
January 30, 2017 at 5:58 pmI’m at the beginning of our school journey. My eldest is five and a half and starts kindergarten tomorrow. The last three days I’ve randomly been bursting into tears thinking about how it’s the end of his dependence on me. I’m going to miss him!! My youngest starts preschool on Wednesday and I’m ok with that!! It all goes too quick and I’d give anything to go back to baby days, even though they were hell!!
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 6:39 pmEnjoy therse special days ahead x
Shannon@ my2morrows says
January 30, 2017 at 5:59 pmAww. With my baby starting on Thursday this made me teary. I know I’ll blink and will be where you are right now. Thanks for the valuable reminders! Off to buy more tissues ?
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 6:41 pmFill your pockets Shannon 🙂 Enjoy these special years x
Sue Denham says
January 30, 2017 at 6:33 pmLast year was my first in 20 years as a non school mum and I LOVE the freedom! By the end of our youngest’s final year I was totally over all the petty rules, exam and assignment stress, lunchboxes and taxiing my student/s to and from school. Now, finally, it was My Time. And it is great! I now have time to nourish my art career which has been on the back burner for ages, and going on holidays without the kids takes us back to our days “BC” . It makes me so happy that our son has a great job (he moved back home to get it) and our daughter is studying at Uni and living in a big city for the first time and loving it all. I’m enjoying having a different relationship with both of them now school is over for us, they are still our kids but they also have their own lives. It’s onwards and upwards now and life is good.
Jenni says
January 30, 2017 at 6:42 pmWay to go Sue, enjoy this new stage and all that it brings 😉
Linda Sindoni says
January 30, 2017 at 10:33 pmHi Jenni know how you feel and sometimes I miss those days too as my children are 38, 35 and 30 with children of their own. Today my first born grandchild started high school and as I said goodbye and gave him a hug and kiss, there were tears in my eyes, remembering when he was a newborn 12 years ago. It never changes-life goes on and we laugh and cry-enjoy your time- enjoy the memories but embrace the future too…….??
Helen says
January 31, 2017 at 5:06 pmI wish I had forced my eldest girl change schools in year 10 amidst horrendous bullying, but she was too scared . I moved my youngest girl to start year 10 at a different school and she thrived. So many regrets over their school years but I scored some real victories in there too, so I try to remind myself of those .
Jenni @unclutter my world says
January 31, 2017 at 7:49 pmMy boy starts his final year of high school tomorrow, and with that comes a change in school shirt. Out with the one he has worn for 4yrs and tomorrow into his seniors shirt. These last few years of high school have flown by, there have been some ups and downs and some super proud mum moments. I’ve been very mindful over the last 8wks of school hols that these will be his last and i’ve been determined to cherish every moment of them, even the grumpy moody teen ones. No doubt we will have some battles with the teen and also his school over the course of this year, but it will fly by just like the others. I’m sure going to make the most of this time, the chats after school, the anytime taxi service and even the grumps before and during exams. I’ve always joked that I can’t wait for the school years to finish but now we are in the final year, i just don’t know.
Christina says
February 1, 2017 at 4:16 pmI have 2 favourite school mum stories – the first was from Kindy days when my son said to me “Mum, you always look so much nicer than any of the other mums, when you come to the Kindy” – from that day on, I always made sure that I was dressed nicely and makeup on!! The other was when my son came home from school (year 1) and said “I’m sorry mum, I really tried to eat all my lunch but I couldn’t!” When I opened his lunchbox there were cold BBQ sausages in there. I had given him the lunchbox with BBQ sausages from the night before….not HIS lunchbox. The poor boy had eaten 2 sausages for morning recess, 3 for lunch and 1 for brain food! We still laugh about it and this year he is off to Uni and he has his favourite blue lunchbox that he has had since Kindy but without the sausages!!
Robby thomasson says
February 3, 2017 at 10:10 pmGreat read, I have two boys 22,20 this year, and daughter 18 just finished grade 12. End of an era, but definitely new beginnings. Love all my children to bits. This May, we become grandparents, wow, our eldest boy is expecting a beautiful daughter. Can’t wait to enjoy, give advice when needed, and just love her to bits.
Beth | AlmostPosh.com says
February 6, 2017 at 8:28 pmI’m beginning my journey just as yours is ending, I’ll try and take on some of your lessons learned. But my god, the RULES! And the assumed knowledge, like I’m supposed to know where the parent pocket is and what to put in the bag. I haven’t been to kindy since 1982 and that was as an attendee!