Watching one of your children flail, gasping to keep their head above the thick cloud of depression is all kinds of sad.
It’s also frustrating, because as parents we feel helpless. We also feel crushing guilt.
Guilt that the life we lead contributed to their depression, guilt when you snap at your kid, guilt when you ride them to keep them on task, guilt that you could have hugged them more, maybe held those apron string tighter and guilt that you can’t fix their hurt.
Depression is real, it’s like drowning while walking.
Depression sneaks up on us, one minute you can feel fine, plugged into life and functioning well, and then suddenly out of no where it feels as if someone flicked a switch and you are plunged into that thick cloud of sadness and anxiety.
There is self loathing and sadness, feelings of inadequacy and then there’s the feelings of wondering what it would all be like if you didn’t exist on this earth anymore.
The struggle is real. I’ve been there myself.
Depression and anxiety doesn’t discriminate, the black dog can work its way into anyones heart…and mind.
Shaking off depression isn’t as easy as ‘snapping out of it’…and when you are a teen it feels like your whole entire world is crushing in on you and your head might explode.
Anxiety makes their heart race and they struggle to make decisions.
Tasks feel overwhelming, anger rages, school or friends suddenly don’t seem important.
Breathing is hard, sleep evades them…and holding back the tears is just bloody hard work.
Watching your child with depression…is depressing. It’s heartbreakingly sad.
Adults understand the signs of depression and have the means to ask for help, teenagers must rely on parents or teachers to recognize their depression and get them the treatment they need. Even when they don’t want the help.
How do you know if your teen is depressed?
Signs of depression in a teenager can be difficult to determine because teens are moody buggers. It’s more than that though, it’s irritability, becoming easily frustrated and angry outbursts.
It’s complaining of headaches and stomach aches. It’s fear of rejection, feeling worthless, being extra sensitive to criticism.
It’s not being able to get of bed let alone out the door.
Depressed teens withdraw, first from family, organized activities like sport, school and then from their friends. It’s gradual.
Depression can cause low energy and lack of concentration. Eating isn’t important, this leads to low energy levels.
There may be poor attendance at school, running late or missing classes, a drop in grades and frustration with schoolwork.
Depressed teens can become addicted to alcohol, drugs, the Internet and even sex.
They may become violent or want to turn that rage inward and self harm. Some even become anorexic.
How the heck can we help depressed teens?
Gently, but swiftly.
+ Don’t give up on your kids, throwing our arms up at the first sign of them rejecting our offers of help isn’t on. Try and try again.
+ Listen without judgement, be respectful, and don’t lecture.
+ Reassure them you are there for them and they are not alone.
+ Acknowledge them and what they’re feeling and let them know they are heard.
+ Keep the lines of communication open. Organize coffee catchups where they can talk or encourage them to join you on a walk occasionally.
+ Get them to a G.P. for a mental health plan.
+ Limit time spent on social media.
+ Ask family and friends to mentor them.
+ Get their school involved.
+ Break daily tasks down into smaller chunks.
+ Get them involved in their own health through cooking, exercise and even essential oils.
There’s much we can do, but first and foremost we need to love the crap outa them. Love them through all the anger, moodiness and hate. Love them harder than you have ever loved them and don’t for one minute give up on them.
Depression and anxiety can suck the life out of a teen but they don’t have to, we can help them. If you need help then reach out to your friends and family (discreetly), use online tools from Headspace, Beyond Blue and visit your G.P.
Our children are our hearts, we need to look after them, nurture them and treat them with care.
This post is personal but like all things I write, I share to help others and I have permission from my family to share this. We all want others to be empowered.
What a truly courageous and beautiful boy for allowing you to share a very personal story… This touched me. It is something I’m aware of with my kids 24/7…. Having 1 parent with cancer is extremely tough on a kid… Unfortunately my kids have 2 parents with cancer. It sucks but I figure if I suffocate them in enough love together we can do this!!! xxx
Life can be cruel Michelle and your kids have had to learn some very grown up lessons quickly. Love them, watch them and be there. x
Oh so true! I’ve had two sons dealing with this over the last couple of years. Although no longer teens, they have both succumbed to The Black Dog at times. The complete lack of self confidence is the thing that knocks me for six. To see talented, handsome young men lose complete faith in their abilities and gifts is soul destroying.
In helping, one of the hardest things, I found, is to firstly find the right counsellor for them and then to keep them attending sessions once they start to feel better.
For my men, losing their Dad to cancer in their teen/early twenties, meant they needed to find good ‘other men’ mentors to help and trust. This is an important role older friends and family need to step up and take on.
All the best to your family, Jen. x
Mandy watching them drop their standards…hang their head, that’s heartbreaking. We need to be so vigilant with our kids mental health xx
Wow Jennifer. How timely your post is. I have just helped 1 daughter through high school with the triple whammy of anxiety, depression and OCD, only to have my beautiful 15 year old daughter also succumb to anxiety and depression. How true it is that we blame ourselves. I wonder if I chose to be more the “tiger mother” rather than drowning them in love and affection they would have coped better in this world. However, reading your post about loving the crap out of them puts my faith back in holding steady and riding it out side by side. All the best with your family- I can truely empathise. Xo
Thankyou Lynda, it’s times like these that you realise how much they still need us xxx
I’ve been through depression myself and my daughter went through it after an emotionally absusive relationship,it is so very hard to watch your child be so sad and feel worthless and even want to take their own life!
My poor sister has a teenager with very bad mental health problems and she has missed days from work and tried to get her son help,so many many times and there has been many sucide attempts Jenni.
He is now on medication and doing much better,even getting out of bed and doing some labouring work for his brother (he will not go to school) he is 16 now and she found Headspace helped her where hospitals and other health professionals didn’t do much!
Your boy us so lucky to have you and your hubby as parents and I do hope he will get better with time.That black dog is a bastard and he comes back without warning.. Big hugs Jenni Xx
Depression is a dog Lisa. When in the grip of the jaws it can be devastating xx
This is such an important conversation to open up. It’s so incredibly vital that young people don’t feel like they’re fighting this battle alone – and also that they know brighter days are ahead. As someone who suffered mental and emotional issues as a youngster, I know all too well how isolating it can be and how it can feel like the whole world is passing you by and continuing on without you. Sending so much love and light to anyone who knows a young person struggling. x
Thankyou Sonia, it was a tough post to write as it made me see ‘all’ and broke my bloody heart. A feeling no parent wants to feel xx
Powerful post Jen and what a kind and generous thing you and your son are doing by trying to help others. My eldest daughter suffered from anxiety in Year 10 which seemed to resolve before rearing its ugly head again during the HSC. My youngest daughter has also started suffering with some anxiety due to health issues. But it is so important for us a parents to reassure our kids that we’re going nowhere. We’ll be there through thick and thin and together we will get through it, as a family. Sending love and strength to you and your family Jen. Thank you for the gift of your blog and your never-ending desire to help others. Much love. Shell.x
Thankyou Shell, it’s heartbreaking watching your kids struggle but I keep telling myself it won’t last forever x
What a lovely post. Your son is lucky to have such a great Mum. Loving people when they are acting horribly toward you is tough, but it is sometimes the only thing you can do to help.
We love him, always have and always will x
I love this Jenni, wonderfully written.
Parenting is a tough gig, hey? I think when the kids are small is the easy part, if they’re hungry you feed them, if they fall down, you give them a band aid and a cuddle, but the older they get and the more challenging life becomes, the harder it becomes. That said, you boy is lucky to have you as your mum and we’re fortunate that they’ve agreed to you being so open, honest and helpful here. I’m sure these tips will be both comforting and useful to other peeps in a similar position.
I had 2 teens that suffered with depression and it’s terrifying. You don’t want them to know how scared you are but I don’t think I slept for years. I think it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. All three of us still battle it at different times but we recognise it now and are close enough that we can talk about it as adults but teens don’t want to talk to you about it. Love to all of you with struggling teenagers.